Reality and Dreams
by Willow2883
Summary: Bella is bombarded with nightmares and multiple subliminal messages to re-think her choices. But will she listen? Takes place at end of Eclipse. Jacob does not make an appearance until Chapter 3. Warning: Lemons in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**All characters within this story belong to Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing. This story is Bella/Jacob centric, but Jacob will not be making an appearance until Chapter 3, at which time I will try to make up for his late arrival with some juicy lemons. hehe

Chapter One

The first thing I notice every time? I'm beautiful. It hits me directly first thing going in, and I swell with pride as if beauty is a redeeming quality. I'm always disgusted by my vanity later. But it is what it is; I'm beautiful and that makes me insanely happy. And even though it appears to be dark I can see that my hair is richer and glossier, my skin is luminescent and pale as porcelain perfection, my lips fuller and pinker. Even my eyes, which shine bright crimson, seem to make the whites of my eyes whiter and bring a faint rose blush to my cheeks.

The second thing I notice is the grace with which I move. I flow down the long hallway as if walking upon air, despite the stiletto heels on my feet. _Alice must be dressing me_ floats through my conscious thoughts as I note the classic black fitted dress that drapes over my lithe body.

The home is unfamiliar and changes every time. Tonight I'm gliding down a long hallway, headed for the door at the very end; quiet and stealthy as a panther. I silently push the door open and a young blonde haired woman in a pink robe is standing just at the other side, her blues eyes widened in surprise.

There's a dizzying blur and I'm holding the woman, my arms wrapped around her waist and back. At first I think I'm embracing her; I must know her I think. But then I hear the awful crunching and I know; the crunch of teeth ripping flesh and cartilage and tendons. And then suddenly I'm not watching anymore, I'm _in_ that beautiful body and I _feel_ the hot, liquid torrent spurting with every heartbeat through her carotid artery and I can taste the sweet throat-quenching fluid as I gulp it down hungrily. More, more, I'm so thirsty and the flow is slowing and I'm sucking at her, slurping as I drain her dry.

"Mommy?"

I turn in surprise and annoyance at being interrupted, and she's looking up at me questioningly. I release my hold on the woman and her body drops to the ground in a heap. The child; the little girl is looking at the corpse on the floor and I can feel her warmth emanating from her little body in front of me. I can smell the sweet almost vanilla scent of her skin and I'm thirsty. I'm still so thirsty. Just a little more. Just a little-

I hear someone screaming and open my eyes and it's dark and I'm shaking and I'm alone. I touch my face, I touch my skin and it's cool, but not cold, not like theirs; and it's soft not hard. I'm okay, I'm okay; it was just a dream. I'm glad Charlie is working a second shift tonight so I'm not waking him up again. It's been three weeks; three weeks of constant nightmares every night. Different places, different people, but the same inevitable ending. Me killing, me murdering, me sucking their blood dry.

The nightmares had stopped when Edward and I returned from Italy months ago. But since the fight with Victoria and the newborns, I haven't had a night of peace since. I tell myself it's because of the stress of that day. I mean, who wouldn't be affected? Luckily no one was killed, but it could have happened; we didn't know going in that we would be so lucky.

But I know the real reason has nothing to do with the fight. It has to do with what happened after the fight. My decision; my final decision. The choice that had to be made that I can't undo now. I shut my eyes and I can see his face; the anguish from my words. His body had been crushed; the bones on one side almost all completely broken and yet my words had caused him more pain than his wounds. And I could never take that back.

I force my eyes open and shakily get up from my bed and make my way to the window. It's locked, but just to be sure, I unlock it, re-open it, slam it shut and re-lock it with all my strength.

I know a locked window couldn't keep Edward away if he really wanted to be here, but he has respected my wishes and stays away at night now. I told him it had to do with the wedding; I made up a lame story about wanting our first married night together to feel like the very first time we've spent the night together. I know it makes no sense, but he doesn't question my logic. He just gets a pained, unsure look on his face and nods briefly in agreement. He's made no attempt since to talk me out of it. He knows I'm nothing if not stubborn.

But I know if he witnessed one of my nightmares, if he couldn't figure out for himself what I was dreaming (damn my sleep talking), he wouldn't rest until he'd gotten it out of me himself. And I've never lied to Edward. But I don't want to hurt him either. So it was just best if he stayed away.

Until the dreams become a reality…..

I checked the window one more time.

~~RaD~~

"So we have an appointment to view some dresses next Friday at 2:00; make sure to keep your calendar clear, Bella."

I smiled at Edward across the table as he rolled his eyes at me. He knew I didn't care if I wore a potato sack and Emmett married us in Charlie's backyard.

"Did you hear me Bella?" Alice didn't even wait for me to answer her before she continued. "I really think we should focus on traditional gowns, it will save us a lot of time if we can narrow it down and –"

All I heard was "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Edward's hand reached for mine under the table and we both tuned Alice out while we gazed into each other's eyes. I couldn't understand what was going on at night. In the light of day, when Edward was sitting across from me and his butterscotch gaze conveyed so clearly that I was the only girl in the world that mattered, it just seemed so right. I wanted to be right here, right in this moment forever.

"Ah, forget it; I give up. You two aren't even listening to me! I'm doing all this for the two of you!" Alice got up from the table abruptly and stalked from the room. I put my hand over my mouth and giggled while Edward made a face and laughed along with me.

He glanced at the clock on the wall in the steely immense Cullen kitchen. "Are you getting hungry, love? We could go and get you something to eat?"

I looked at the time and pulled my hand away to get up from the table. I didn't know it had gotten so late.

"No, that's okay. I have pork chops in the fridge at home for Charlie and my dinner. I'd better get going."

"Alright, let me walk you out."

We took our time strolling to my truck, prolonging the last few minutes we had together. Edward opened the door for me and pulled me into his arms before I hopped up into the cab. He didn't kiss me and he didn't say anything right away, he just held me close. I sensed he had something he wanted to say and I tensed a little in trepidation. Emoting his feelings was not one of Edward's strong points.

Just as I suspected, he pulled away slightly and brushed my hair from my face and I could see him struggling for the right words.

"I really miss you at night, love," his cool breath tickled my neck and ear.

I know," I said tightly. "I miss you too."

"Then why don't you leave your window open tonight and we can be together?" he smiled gently. "Just like before?"

"Edward." I took a step away from him, looking at the ground. Why did he have to make this difficult? "I told you; I think we should wait. It will be something to look forward to."

He looked at me doubtfully. So I tried another tactic.

"Besides, it's difficult for me to lie next you through the night knowing you won't…." I lingered off in embarrassment.

"Knowing I won't what?" His voice was tight.

"Knowing you won't make love to me," I whispered. I hated having this conversation, but it got the ball out of my court and put the pressure back on him.

"Okay." He kissed my cheek quickly in dismissal. I knew that would work.

We both smiled weakly at each other as I got behind the wheel and he closed my door. He stayed in the same spot watching me drive away down the road until I couldn't see him anymore.

~~RaD~~

"Hey Dad. Perfect timing," I set the mashed potatoes on the table next to the pork chops and green beans. "Shouldn't you have been home an hour ago though? Late arrest?"

"No," he said washing his hands at the kitchen sink and avoiding looking at me. "I was at the Black's. Sue asked me to check her water heater and while I was in La Push I thought I'd stop and see how Jacob was doing before I came home."

I actually flinched at the mention of Jacob's name.

"How is he?" I tried to sound casual, but my voice came out tight instead.

Charlie sat at the table still avoiding my gaze. "Why don't you go out there after dinner and judge for yourself?"

I scooped some potatoes onto my plate and the bowl slipped from my fingers, banging back down on the table.

"I told you he doesn't want to see me," I said and it felt like there was a lump in my throat. I was surprised when I felt the sting of tears in my eyes.

Charlie sighed and finally looked me in the eyes. "Why don't you just try Bells? Just try."

I shook my head. "Maybe," I mumbled.

The rest of dinner was very quiet.

~~RaD~~

I emerged from the sleeping bag and crawled toward the tent's entrance, unzipping it just enough for my body to squeeze through. The ground was covered in snow and the path leading from the tent was canopied by snow-laden willows. I walked down the tight path toward an opening in the trees and a vast expanse of meadow in the distance. Once past the trees, I recognized this place; it was our meadow; mine and Edward's meadow. The grass was green and the snow had magically disappeared. In fact the sun was shining now and I could see fresh dew on the daisies strewn throughout.

I just knew Edward must be here waiting for me. I walked quickly through the lush foliage, looking back and forth for him. There was a flock of trees up ahead and I hurried toward them, my feet seeming to know exactly where to go.

Beyond the bushes ran a small creek and at the water's edge were a pair of shoes; very large, black sturdy men's running shoes. Who did they belong to? No one was here. Was someone playing a game with me?

I heard his voice just as I spied the rock up ahead. It was low and hard to understand over the sound of the creek's running water, but I'd know Edward's voice anywhere. I smiled and picked up my pace heading for the rock. I could see the top of his bronze head now and I quieted my step as if I could actually sneak up on him. The side of his face was sparkling in the sunlight and as I drew nearer I saw he was speaking to someone. Someone with long, dark, flowing hair.

"That's right, love, that's right. Isn't that good? Don't make a mess now," he was encouraging them.

Something glinted in the sunlight at my feet and I noticed a necklace lying imperceptibly in the lush grass; a carved wooden wolf attached to a thick silver chain. I knelt and picked it up in my hand, studying it; it was so familiar.

I was just upon the two figures when Edward's companion stood fluidly; her white gown covered in blood. I stared in terror and recognized it was me; _my_ mouth stained red and dripping; _my_ eyes, glowing with the same furious fiery hue and the last thing I saw was the body twisted at an angle at their feet before my screaming woke me from my nightmare.

My door flew open as I sat up, panting, trying to catch my breath and stop the shaking.

"Bella! Bells, honey, are you okay?" Charlie sat on the edge of my bed groggily; reaching up to pet my hair as I tried to nod and calm myself. I hated that I woke him for this yet again.

"I'm okay Dad," I breathed. "Just…you know; the usual." I tried to smile reassuringly but my lips faltered; not cooperating.

Charlie shook his head, still petting my hair. "Bells, what's bothering you honey? What is it?"

"I don't know Dad. I'm okay though. It'll be okay. Just….give me a minute."

He took a deep breath; Edward wasn't the only one who had a hard time with difficult conversations. "Is it the wedding, Bella? Because if you're not ready to get married; there's no shame in postponing it. Or calling it off completely," he added.

"No Dad. That's not it."

Charlie sat there with me till the trembling stopped. My father wasn't a big talker, but he was solid. Reliable. Probably why he was a great Chief of Police. His presence was calming and reassuring. I choked back a sob; I was going to miss him.

I put my hand on his. "I'm okay now Dad. Go ahead and go back to bed."

"Are you sure? I can stay here for a while if you want."

"No," I managed a weak smile. "I'm good; go ahead."

He patted my hand before reluctantly standing up and heading back to his room.

"Dad?" I asked him just before he shut the door.

"What honey?"

"How is Jacob?"

He stared at me a long time before he answered.

"He's better. Billy said Dr. Cullen said he'll be just fine. And he looked and sounded pretty good when I saw him today. Okay?"

I nodded and he shut the door. I lay back down and fell back into a dreamless sleep.

~~RaD~~


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Oh my god, who would wear that?" I giggled in astonishment and pointed out the black thong bikini hanging on the rack next to Angela.

"I would!" Angela grinned, skimming the rack looking for and grabbing the first size 2 she came across. "This is what you call butt floss," she held up the almost non-existent bottoms. "And Ben happens to be crazy about my butt." She gave me a wink as she continued searching through the rack of bathing suits.

"I wish you guys were coming with us to Cancun, we'd have so much fun! Tropical beaches, all-inclusive resort with all the alcohol you can drink; woo-hoo 18 year old drinking age! _And_ our own hotel room, which means no sneaking around waiting for someone's parents to be out so we can have a quickie without getting caught."

She gave me a knowing look like I could even relate. I was not about to tell her that Edward and I had never even come close to…..

"Hell, I'll just be happy to see the sun. What do we get? Four days tops in this godforsaken town? I am so sick of rain."

"Mmm-hmmm," I murmured. I wasn't even really listening anymore.

"You haven't even picked anything out yet Bella. I thought you wanted to pick up a suit for your honeymoon?" Angela looked at me apologetically. "My bad, where are you going anyway, I haven't even asked you?"

"Um, I don't even know to tell you the truth. It's a surprise. Edward and Alice made all the arrangements."

Angela looked at me strangely. "You don't even know where you're going on your own honeymoon?"

"No," I shook my head. Was that weird?

"Hmmm," Angela stopped staring at me and continued searching. We leafed through the clearance racks in silence for a few minutes, until I think it was making Angela uncomfortable. She caught my eye and smiled.

"So I guess Edward is over his jealousy issues?"

I wrinkled my nose. "What do you mean?"

"Remember? When you were helping me with my grad invites a couple of months ago? You were telling me how Edward was acting a little weird about your relationship with your friend, Jacob Black."

I tensed and caught my breath. Would I ever stop having a physical reaction to his name?

"I guess he's over that now, hah? I mean with the 'death do you part' and all that. He must feel a little more secure in your commitment to him?"

"Oh, yeah, that. No, that's over, he's not worried about me and Jacob."

Angela studied my expression and didn't look very convinced. "Well, what about Jacob? How does he feel about the wedding? If I remember correctly, he had quite the thing for you."

Oh god, please don't cry. I felt the sting and widened my eyes and blinked a few times, trying to stave off an overflow. But it was too late, Angela saw me fighting them back and put her hand on my elbow.

"Oh no, Bella, are you okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up; it's none of my business."

"No, no it's not that," I sniffed and wiped my nose, getting a grip on myself. "Jake, uh….he got really badly injured last month."

"Oh my god! What happened? Is he alright?"

She steered me to a seat by the fitting rooms and physically pushed me down onto the chair, taking the one next to it herself.

I really didn't want to be having this conversation, but Angela was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to go on.

"He was in a motorcycle accident; a really bad one. He broke almost all the bones on one side of his body."

Lie. But it was easier than I thought it would be.

"Oh my god," she gasped. "So will he be alright?"

"Yeah, Dr. Cullen is taking care of him as a matter of fact. He says he'll be fine; it's just going to take a while for his body to properly mend."

Which, for a werewolf meant he was probably up and around and back to phasing already. But he would have to fake his recovery for a few months so as not to raise any suspicions or freak anybody out; including my father.

"Holy shit. I'm glad Ben doesn't ride a motorcycle. He can't even drive a car," she snorted.

She placed her hand on my arm again and looked me in the eyes. "No offense Bella, but you look like crap. I assumed it was just from all the wedding preparations. Which by the way, like I said before, I would be happy to help you with anytime, whatever you need."

She leaned in a little closer at this point and lowered her voice. "Are you having second thoughts? I mean, this is a big step, Bella. We are awfully young. You know I think Edward is a great guy and you two are perfect together, but…..are you sure about this?"

There was so much I wished I could tell her. I wished I could explain to her that a wedding and some vows in a church went against everything I believed in. Marriage just screamed 'wrong' to me. But marriage in comparison to what was going to happen afterward?

I could never see her or Ben again, let alone go on vacations with them in the future like normal couples. That I could never go to any of our reunions with Mike and Jessica and the rest of our high school friends. That the next two months were the last that I would ever spend with my family. And that I would never see those dark haired babies that I loved even though they were just part of a dream that never would and never could happen? I couldn't tell her any of this and I ached to get _something_ off my chest, just to lessen the load a tiny bit.

"I broke Jacob's heart and I pray that it doesn't affect his recovery and that he doesn't hate me forever," I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Angela blinked. "What?"

"I went to his house, Jacob's house, right after the accident and I told him; I told him it was Edward I loved. It was always Edward. But I told him I was in love with him too, but not enough. Not enough to make me choose him over Edward. I shouldn't have done that, should I? I mean, it was cruel, right?"

I didn't give her time to answer. I was on a roll, the guilt coming off me in waves.

"He was in so much pain and full of morphine and I just marched in and told him I was choosing Edward. And the way he looked at me Angela, I can't even explain it. And he wasn't even mad at me; he just told me he would wait for me forever." His actual words had been till my heart stopped beating, but I didn't want Angela to think Jake was a stalker or something.

We sat quietly for a few minutes. Finally Angela broke the silence.

"Wow."

"I'm a terrible person, right?"

She studied me before answering, trying to choose the right words.

"It _was_ a little harsh," she conceded. "But he's speaking to you now, right? I mean, he's forgiven you, right?"

"I haven't spoken to him since that night," I whispered. "He asked me to stay away."

She frowned before she began speaking with certainty.

"He'll get over it. He just needs to deal. He loves you Bella. It was always obvious. But what are you gonna do now? Do you think it's a good idea to stay friends with him if you're getting married? Considering he's made no secret of the fact that he loves you? And, uh…..did you say you told him you were in love with him too?"

I nodded. "But I love Edward more," I mumbled weakly.

"Damn girl, no wonder you look so stressed out. Do you want my opinion? Cos it's none of my business and you know I would never judge you."

"No, I want your opinion Angela."

"I think you need to straighten this all out before you marry Edward. You need to figure out what your relationship with Jacob is. If anything. It's not fair to _any_ of you to take this any farther without it all being resolved. Does Edward know about your conversation with Jacob?"

I had never discussed what was said between Jacob and me with Edward. But he knew the extent of my distress over it. I had cried nonstop for 24 hours straight. And that's not counting the tears I shed when he wasn't around to witness them.

He also knew I was in love with Jacob. Apparently it had been obvious to everyone but me. But Edward had never asked what went down between Jacob and me that night. He just took my word for it that it was over.

"No, Edward and I never discussed it."

"That's probably best; it would only hurt him."

"Yeah, that's my specialty; a little sprinkling of hurt for everyone all around."

"Oh Bella," Angela forced a grin and put an arm around me. "Don't be so hard on yourself. It'll all work out; you'll see."

I wished I had an ounce of her optimism.

~~RaD~~

Well I'm sure this had to be a first for the two affluent women catering to Alice and me at the bridal store. I'd hedge bets that I was the first bride-to-be ever to don one of their exquisite lace gowns, take one look at myself in the mirror and grab the nearest trash can handy and hurl right into it.

And I do mean hurl. I heaved till my insides ached. Once I was sure I was completely done, I was too mortified to lower the trash bin and look at the expressions on their perfect, botoxed faces. The silence in the large opulent fitting room was deafening.

I lowered the can to the ground, not sure what to do with it? Should I offer to dump it somewhere? I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and glanced with trepidation at the front of the dress. Please god, please don't let anything have splashed out and onto me. Whew, it was all clear.

"Don't like that one, huh?" Alice deadpanned. I broke into nervous giggles of relief.

One of the two salesladies came forward without a word and took the trash bin from me gingerly with two outstretched fingers and disappeared into the back with it.

"But really, the way the bodice fits her tiny waist is just lovely, don't you think?" the other woman continued on as if nothing had happened. She came forward and emphasized with her hands just how alluringly diminutive I looked in this dress. When I wasn't vomiting in it, I guess.

I wanted to leave, but the incident was completely ignored and I was forced to try on a total of 8 more dresses that, frankly, all looked the same to me. The three ladies fawned around me and pointed out the assets of this one opposed to that one and I just stood there like a deaf mute letting them talk around me. Alice knew I was going to let her make the final decision anyway, so what was the point of having an opinion? Like I said, they all looked pretty much the same to me.

Once I'd been sufficiently tugged and zipped and turned this way and that and told to stand up straighter and had my shoulders pulled back a total of 4 times, the torture was over. As I stepped out of the ninth and final dress, I glanced up to see Alice studying me with a strange far-off look in her eye. I felt my gut clench again as my first thought was the Volturi; Alice must be having one of her visions and they were on their way here to kill Charlie and Jacob and everyone else who might possibly know about them. But the question she asked me threw me.

"Have you been to La Push Bella?"

"No," I answered her honestly.

"Hmmm," she shook her head and picked some invisible lint off the front of the gown.

"Why?"

"You just…..you kind of disappeared suddenly and then…..," she noticed the worried look on my face. "But then you came back," she smiled widely, to alleviate my fears. "It happened yesterday too. Just for a few minutes, you were there and then….you were gone. And then you were back again." She shook her head uncertainly. "I just thought maybe you were….." she trailed off with a frown.

"So next Wednesday, 1:30 for the fitting?" the saleslady who had taken the vomit riddled can from me breezed back into the fitting area. I liked how she addressed the question to Alice and ignored me. I was just the dolt wearing the dress.

"That would be perfect," Alice smiled, taking the little appointment card from the woman. "We'll see you then."

The conversation we'd started at the shop was forgotten as Alice and I headed to the car and she happily chattered about wedding cakes all the way home. I felt like I was going to throw up again.

~~RaD~~

"Hey! Well if it isn't _Mrs_. Edward Cullen."

I had more or less quit my job at the Newton's sporting goods store about 2 months ago, but some part of me hated to resign completely and Mrs. Newton was reluctant to let good help go so easily; so I remained tied to my job on an on-call basis. Which meant that I'd had two full months off, but gotten a frantic call from Mike's mom early this morning when 2 people called in sick and there was no one to help clean up the chaos leftover from the big sale they'd had over the weekend.

"Hey Mike," I smiled warmly. "Well, not yet," I added, referring to the title he'd welcomed me with.

"Well, pretty soon," he grinned.

"Yep," I nodded and gave him a tight grin in return.

"So you here to help clean up from the tornado the crowds left over from Saturday and Sunday?"

"That's what I'm here for," I stood at mock attention and gave a little salute.

"Well," Mike pointed to the north corner of the store. "Why don't you start over there? I think they've taken every shoe in the place they could find and just thrown them all haphazardly." He shook his head. "Just box them all back up and reorganize the shelves for me please."

"Okay," I smiled and headed over.

The store had quite a large selection of hiking boots and sneakers along with fishing boots and water shoes. And he wasn't kidding when he said it looked like someone had just wandered over and thrown every shoe in the place and tossed them around just for fun.

I gathered up a bunch of boxes to begin with, especially ones that retained one shoe so all I had to do was hunt for the mate. It was much easier said than done.

An hour later, I was on my hands and knees and matching up identical pairs had become a vendetta. I was in the zone at this point, oblivious to the few people in the store and the sounds of their conversations mute to me. Luckily the masses seemed to have all been here over the weekend and the few stragglers this morning were not interested in shoes, because I think I would have taken off anyone's head that interrupted my flow at this point.

I put the lid on one box and found the proper shelf it belonged on before picking up another empty box, checking the side to see what I was looking for. Size 13 men's running shoes; in black. Okay. I perused the much smaller mess on the floor; I'd really put quite a dent in the chaos I thought proudly.

Ah, that looked like it could be what I was looking for; I grabbed a humongous black sneaker that stood out from the rest of the shoes and checked the size and then the name brand and lastly the style number. Bingo! I started to put it in the box, but found my hand had frozen and I was staring at the shoe, my brain trying to remember something. My throat constricted slightly and my hand began to shake. I had to sit down on the floor for a second as I felt tears pricking my eyes.

What the hell was wrong with me? I was having a panic attack over a _shoe_?

Jacob's face, sweaty and pained swam before my mind.

"_I'll always be here waiting for you Bella."_

"_Until my heart stops beating."_

"_Maybe even then….."_

I tossed the shoe in the box and blindly reached out and grabbed its mate and threw it beside the other and through my tears, I grabbed for the lid to cover them.

"You're choosing wrong. You don't belong together."

I froze. Those were Rosalie's words; she had said the same thing to me just a little over a month ago. But who was telling me this now? And how did they….?

"You're choosing wrong Bella."

I wiped my eyes now and whipped around to face whoever was saying these words to me again. I mean, how dare they!

Mike caught the expression in my eyes as I whirled from the floor to face him, standing over me. He took a step back and put his hand up in a defensive stance, his expression wary and puzzled at my response to him.

"What did you just say?" My teeth were clenched and my voice was low.

Mike pointed to the box containing the shoes I had just placed in them; the shoes that ironically brought tears to my eyes.

"Those shoes are wrong. They don't belong together." His finger waved back and forth between the two shoes. "See? One is black and the other is chocolate brown."

We stared at each other for a minute, my face relaxing into embarrassment at my reaction to his simple observation.

"Bella? Are you okay? You need to take a break?"

"No Mike, I'm sorry. I was just 'in the zone', you know? I didn't mean to…." I smiled wearily at him and he returned it hesitantly.

"No problem." He took a deep breath and let it out. "What a trooper. No wonder my mother didn't want to let you go."

He dropped to his knees and picked up one of the piled up boxes and began to look through the strewn shoes on the floor for a match.

I wiped my eyes and joined him; appreciating his help and the diversion from my wayward emotions.

I couldn't believe I'd heard….when he'd said…. Talk about a Freudian misinterpretation.

"So how come you're not going to Mexico with Angela and Ben?"

"I don't want to be the third wheel with those two," he made a face. "I don't want to go to Mexico with a couple."

"Oh why not? I'm sure there are plenty of girls on the beach there with loose morals and low standards you could spend your time with," I joked.

"I'm sure I could find one or two," he laughed. "But what about you? Where are you and Edward going on your honeymoon?"

"I don't know. It's a surprise. Edward and Alice made all the arrangements."

Mike looked at me curiously. "Seriously? You don't know? Did you like, give him a few spots that you wanted to go to and he went from there?"

"No. He had a destination in mind and he wanted to surprise me."

"Huh. That sounds like Cullen," Mike's expression told me he wished he hadn't said that out loud and wished he could take it back as soon as it was out of his mouth.

"What do you mean?" I was genuinely curious.

"Oh, you know," Mike's face plainly said 'open mouth, insert foot' as he scrambled to get out of what he'd said. But I wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily. I gazed straight at him as I waited for him to give me some semblance of an answer. It wasn't coming easily.

"Cullen just…you know, he uh, he was always kind of, uh,…a leader, you know? He was good at taking command of people. Or no; of a group! He was good at taking command of a group. At school, I mean. You know?" He finished lamely.

"Are you trying to say he's always been controlling?"

"No! Well not…well, yeah. Maybe a little controlling." He smiled weakly. "Don't be mad, okay? I mean it in the nicest way."

I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I'm not mad Mike. I can see where you might think Edward was a little…..controlling."

Mike reached out uncomfortably and lightly tousled my hair, relieved.

"You're the best Bella. Cullen doesn't deserve you," he added playfully before getting back to the shambled task at hand.

The rest of the day flew by quickly and uneventfully; which would be in direct opposition with what the night had in store for me.

~~RaD~~

"You should have seen it Edward! She retched right into the garbage can!" Alice's giggle trilled through the spacious Cullen dining area. I was picking at a burger and some fries while Edward and Alice kept me company. Rosalie and Emmett had gone hunting with Carlisle and Esme and they were all expected back sometime this evening.

"And your sister and the two women acted like nothing happened. They made me try on like 25 more dresses." I felt like a tattletale, but that had really irked me. I was glad my vomiting had amused Alice.

"Oh come on Bella, it was 8 dresses, don't exaggerate. And that one lady took the can from you and disposed of it."

Edward gave Alice a warning look. "That's not funny Alice."

His cool fingers touched my arm, sending chills up my shoulder and down my back. "Weren't you feeling well, love?"

"Probably something I ate," I mumbled with a shrug. How was I supposed to tell him the sight of myself in a white wedding dress made me physically ill?

"Oh Edward, don't be such a primadonna. I knew she was fine. I would have seen a hospital in our near future if there was anything really wrong with her," Alice told her brother irritated.

"I'm going to go check on Project Honeymoon and see if there are any details I might have missed or forgotten. You can thank me later Edward," she hopped gracefully to her feet and headed toward the computer in the other room, leaving Edward and I alone.

"I saw Mike today," I told him, making conversation. Mike had never been one of Edward's favorite people, but he'd always been decent to me, and once he'd gotten over the idea of him and me getting together, he'd turned out to be a good friend.

"How is Mr. Newton?" Edward rolled his eyes.

I put my hamburger down; I was done picking at it, my appetite had been nonexistent the last month or so. I looked up at Edward; his hand was still stroking my arm subtly.

"I asked him if he was – ," I froze, my eyes wide and my mouth gaping in mid-sentence. The rest of the Cullen's had come in so silently I hadn't even heard them. Emmett's large frame filled the doorway, his hair matted to his head, thick with dark, dried blood. His shirt was hanging off one arm, ripped open on the right side. There were red smudges on his face, staining both his cheeks and over one eye and his shirt had what looked like a glob of bloody fur stuck to the front. If I wasn't so sure I was awake I would swear I was in the middle of one of my nightmares.

"Hey guys!" he boomed casually.

"Agh, Emmett," Edward turned around disgustedly when he saw him. "Go take a shower."

"What happened to you?" my voice was barely strong enough to be heard. Luckily vampires have excellent hearing.

"What? You think I look bad Bella?" Emmett laughed. "You should see the grizzly."

It dawned on me then that that wasn't Emmett's blood all over him, it was his prey's.

Rosalie moved alongside him in the doorway. With a sly smile, she told him huskily, "Let's get you cleaned up."

I was shocked when she leaned up against his side and licked the blood off one of his cheeks. I was going to be sick again. The metallic smell was beginning to waft its way over to the table where I was sitting. I immediately began breathing through my mouth so I couldn't smell it anymore.

"Do you mind?" Edward turned angrily back toward his brother. "Bella doesn't need to be subjected to your messy dining habits. And the smell bothers her," he added.

"Sorry Bella," Emmett smiled cheekily. "But you're gonna have to get used to it soon, aren't you?"

I was, wasn't I? I could feel the nausea clawing at my belly.

"Not tonight, she doesn't. Go Emmett. Clean him up Rosalie," Edward implored.

Rosalie giggled and shoved Emmett, coaxing him out of the doorway; his ripped and torn form splattered with blood and flesh and fur. He just ignored her efforts and held my gaze, a knowing smile on his face.

"Don't look at him Bella. And breathe; you're white as a ghost. You look like you're about to pass out." Edward leaned close to my face, trying to block my view of Emmett; concern etched on his features.

"I think I need to go now, Edward," I got up from the table and the room swam for a second from light-headedness. I took a deep breath and stood still for a moment as Edward put his arm around me, holding me up.

"That's probably a good idea, it's getting late. Better?"

I nodded my head and he walked me out to my truck, arm securely holding me in case I got dizzy again.

Edward gave me a quick kiss before I started the car and made my way back to the main road and home, where I planned to brush my teeth and fall into bed, exhausted. I shifted my gaze to the thick trees on either side of the drive, wondering what was silently creeping through the brush laying in wait. I just never knew anymore.

~~RaD~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Waves crashed and the surf rolled in over the beach. I couldn't see it, but I heard the rhythmic pull, in and out.

Behind that was the sound of birds crying: seagulls. I was wrapped in a blind sensory blanket of warmth.

Mixed in with the gulls, another sound blended, becoming more distinctive as I listened. Children laughing and chattering. I couldn't make out the words, but it was definitely two little ones, their giggling and playing blending in with the background sounds. For some reason I pictured them both chubby-cheeked and with popsicles in their mouths. A third voice eventually joined the first two. This one was husky, more mature, an adult. His voice sounded more authoritative, but he joined them in their laughter and their chatter.

I wanted to see them; I wanted to join them, but I was just an auditory conduit and unable to interact. As soon as I began to try to become a part of what was going on, I felt myself moving away from the scene, like on a conveyor belt, pulling me away, their sounds becoming more and more distant.

Then there was silence. I opened my eyes and it was dark, but that was because it was night and I was in a clearing, just outside the dense forest. Crickets were chirping and every now and then I heard an owl. I sat down on the ground and tried to figure out where I was. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it. I leaned back against the tree behind me. I was so tired; I just wanted to sleep. Was that asking too much?

_In a few short months, you'll never sleep again._

That's right. It had seemed such a small detail of the bigger picture, I'd completely let that slip. I was going to miss that reprieve at the end of the day; that wonderful oblivion from all of life's problems.

Not that I'd enjoyed that luxury lately, but there was a time I slept like a rock through the night. Upon waking the next morning I had been refreshed, energetic and ready to take on the day.

When had that stopped? When had something I had so taken for granted been taken away from me? The answer slid across my consciousness and I tried to ignore it; to pretend it hadn't presented itself so plainly and easily to my question.

_Since you met Edward Cullen. _

Since the first night he snuck into my window and stood above me, watching me sleep. Was he envious as he watched, I wondered?

Oh well, who needs sleep? Just one more thing to add to the list of things I would never have again. But Edward was worth it. It was a small price to pay to be with him forever.

And now I was forced into planning a wedding I wanted nothing to do with. This was worse than when Edward took me to prom.

Why was it that the things I disliked the most were the ones Edward decided would be good for me? He knew I didn't want to go to prom – I hated the whole idea of prom. Getting dressed up, the primping, the socializing.

And the dancing. He _knew_ how I felt about dancing. But he did it anyway.

I frowned. He just wanted me to have as many human experiences as I could before I changed.

I didn't deserve him. I may not have wanted to go to prom and maybe I didn't want to get married and have a huge wedding. But again, it was such a small price to pay.

My relationship with Charlie had been a little strained, but what teenager had a smooth relationship with their parents? I mean, it wasn't as if I was partying, drinking, doing drugs, or sleeping with the football team. Charlie had nothing to complain about besides not caring for my boyfriend.

_There's the fact that you're going to kill yourself in less than 3 months._

Yeah, there was that.

I caught the train of thought I was heading on and tried to change the course. There were more positives, I told myself harshly.

There was Jacob. In a strange way if it hadn't been for Edward I never would have formed the bond with Jacob that I now - that I _once_ - had. He would just be the kid who was my dad's best friends' son. Just some boy who came over once a month or so and had fish fry and watched sporting events on the television with my dad and his.

He would have never become my protector, my best friend.

I had needed his protection too, what with my innate ability to draw danger to me like a magnet. The last year and a half I'd been with Edward had brought the monsters out from under my bed and into my life; James, Laurent, Victoria, the Volturi. Even Edward's own brother would have killed me if Edward hadn't read his mind and stopped him in time. No wonder Edward treated me like I was breakable.

That was exactly what I felt like sometimes around Edward: broken.

But being a vampire would 'fix' me. I was sure of it. Yes, there were a few undesirable side effects, but I refused to keep thinking about them right now.

I heard a muffled crash and looked up. A house had dropped into the middle of my dream clearing. A little red house.

"Bella!"

My heart soared suddenly, my body rose from the ground as if a spring were attached to my bottom.

"Jacob!"

My feet moved, I ran toward him and he swept me up, hugging me so tight and twirling me around like a top. Oh, I was going to miss this.

We were laughing and still spinning, both unwilling to let go of the other. We slowed down, breathless, and I hadn't felt the happiness that surged through me like that in a long time.

We stood there now, holding each other and I felt him smiling, matching the grin on my own features. I was so relieved; he wasn't mad at me, I was forgiven. He shouldn't be so easy on me, I didn't deserve it.

"Bella." He said my name softly, his breath tickling my ear.

"Jacob," I whispered. "Jacob."

His heat seeped into me, warming me; filling me. I rested my head on his shoulder, right in the crick of his neck. My knees went weak as I inhaled the familiar scent of him.

The longer I stood there in his embrace the deeper a feeling of euphoria filled me. Like a double shot of caffeine, I could almost _feel_ the endorphins being released into my bloodstream, waking me, flowing through my veins; making me feel almost omnipotent.

I finally, begrudgingly loosened my hold around Jacob and he abruptly dropped to his knees.

"Bella?" he looked at me questioningly; a confused look on his face and streaks of red, like vivid watercolors ran down his bare chest.

And I knew. What had I done?

"Jacob?" I screamed. There was blood on my hands and a sweet delicious taste on my tongue.

My own sobbing woke me. Deep heaving sobs that made it hard to breathe, I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I rolled to my side and my hair was wet. My pillow was drenched in tears.

I yanked the blankets off and stood up and headed down the stairs. I grabbed my keys off the kitchen table and crept out the front door and into the wet, foggy night. I didn't care that I was wearing only my pajamas; bold pink and black plaid cotton bottoms with nothing but a lightweight black tank on top. I'd stepped into Charlie's flip flops sitting by the front door. The ones he slipped on before going out to grab the paper at the bottom of the walk to read with his morning coffee.

But I didn't care how I looked. That was the funny thing about panic; everything else faded into the background and my only focus was getting to La Push as fast as I could. In retrospect, panic was my friend that night, because if I had stopped to think about what I was doing, I would have chickened out. Pride or guilt would have stopped me. And I didn't have time for either.

My subconscious had been bombarding me with the obvious and I had chosen to just ignore it. But this dream tonight hit home and brought the truth crashing in on me. I could not live in a world without Jacob Black. It shouldn't have been a revelation. I think I'd always known it, but the dream presented itself to me in a way that drove the point home - I was killing Jacob.

My foot was heavy on the accelerator. I had no clue what I was going to say to Jacob when I got there. I didn't even know if he'd speak to me. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard; it was 2:30 in the morning.

I probably shouldn't knock on the door when I got there. I could just see it; me, standing on the front porch in my pajamas, Charlie's huge flip flops on my feet, my eyes wild. "Hey Billy, is Jake around?" That'd go over really well. Billy would call my father and I'd have to haul my butt right back home.

My adrenaline rush must have passed; I was starting to feel the cold. I probably should have grabbed a sweater before I'd run out the door. But I was pulling into Jacob's driveway now. The drive sloped down toward the house, so I cut the engine and shifted out of park and into neutral, coasting quietly so as not to wake Billy.

I sat in my truck for a minute, trying to think. I mentally walked through the front door and navigated my way through Jacob's house, trying to formulate which window was his. The back window on the right side had to be Jake's. The one in the very back of the house was Billy's, I was sure of it.

I opened the door and the damp chill hit me and I shivered. I shut the door as quietly as I could and tiptoed awkwardly around the right side of the house. I hoped he was home and not running around the forest patrolling. I wasn't sure if he was allowed to phase yet; it hadn't even been four full weeks. It felt like years.

I stood in front of Jake's window and it was higher up than I remembered. I didn't want to hop and bang on it; I'd wake up Billy. So I knelt down and tried to find some small rocks, which wasn't easy in the dark. I found a couple of suitable sized ones and continued to dig and sift through the dirt for a few more.

"Bella?"

I gasped and looked up. Damn Jacob, he was so quiet. He had slid his window open and I never even heard it.

If I was expecting a welcome like the one I'd received in my dream, I was sorely disappointed. The expression on Jake's face in reaction to my being outside his window was not happy.

"What the hell are you doing here Bella?"

Yep, not quite the reunion I'd been hoping for.

"Jake, I…." I stood up guiltily and dropped the rocks. _He_ may not have been thrilled to see _me_, but _my_ heart began thumping wildly when I saw his face silhouetted in the dark.

He bent down and rested his elbows on the windowpane. He was scowling. Where was my sun?

"What do you want Bella?"

I'd had revelations tonight, so why was he talking to me like this? I wanted to tell him about the nightmares and the horrible wedding planning and how I should have listened to him and how signs were popping up everywhere, telling me how he'd been right all along. I wouldn't even have cared if he'd said "I told you so". But this Jacob didn't even seem to want to talk to me.

"I want to-to talk to you," I stuttered. I bit my lip. "Can I talk to you?"

"What do you want to tell me Bella? How great Edward is again?" He sighed, "I can't." He shook his head and started to shut the window.

"No!" I panicked. "No Jacob, just please, please talk to me. I promise, I won't even say Ed – his name."

Jacob took a deep breath and looked at me for a minute, unsure. He wouldn't really send me away, would he? My heart still beat wildly in my chest and he must have heard it, because he begrudgingly relented and stood up.

"Come around to the front door and I'll let you in." He shut his window and stepped away, heading for the front of the house.

I tried to calm myself as I made my way back around to the front, trying to be careful not to trip up the steps and wake up Billy. I slipped the flip flops off my feet and tiptoed barefoot across the porch where Jake already had the front door open for me.

I walked through into the small front room and closed the door myself since Jake was already walking away toward his bedroom. He was still mad. No, he was hurt, not mad. I had to remind myself that so I didn't get defensive with him.

I walked into his bedroom and he shut that door behind me. He walked around me and stood at the opposite side of the tiny room. It was like we were squared off, him with his arms crossed, coolly watching me, waiting for me to say something.

This was so not how I imagined this. I don't know what I was expecting.

Yes, I do. I was expecting him to sweep me into his arms and swing me around in one of his trademark Jacob twirl hugs, crushing me in the most delightful way. And we could magically fall back into being Jake and Bells again. Only better this time, because I had finally come to my senses.

But he didn't know I had come to my senses. That was why he was still upset with me.

"Did you come here to stare at me Bella? Cos I could have sent a picture home with Charlie the other night and you could have stared at that without waking me up in the middle of the night."

No, Jacob, no. I had to talk to you, I had to see you," it came out in a whisper. "This past month has been so hard."

"You've had a rough month, huh? What's the matter? The diamonds in your engagement ring so heavy, it's wearing you down?"

I blinked. He wanted a fight, but I was not about to give it to him. I was too tired. I just shook my head.

"Jacob, please."

"What's the matter Bella? Getting everything you ever wanted not living up to your expectations? You miss jerking the runner-up around?"

"You were never the runner-up," I mumbled.

"No? 'I love you Jacob, just not enough. I can't live without _him_. You understand, right? He's like a drug to me,'" he mimicked me, then spit out bitterly, "that doesn't make me the runner-up?"

"It's not like that Jacob. It's not like that anymore."

"No? What's it like then, Bella?"

"I love you," I breathed. I started toward him, trying to close the distance between us.

"Just not enough," he held up his hand to stop me from coming any closer. "I thought we were done with this Bella. Why do we keep having this conversation over and over? I'm done. I asked you not to come back."

Here came the tears. You're too late, I thought to myself. You're too late; he doesn't want to hear it. I swiped at my eyes, annoyed.

"Please Jacob, please don't give up on me. Please! I know I'm an idiot and it took me forever to understand, but I'm sorry! I'm just so stupid!"

I covered my face with my hands so he wouldn't see the tears. "It's all wrong!"

His expression faltered.

"What's all wrong?" his voice sounded husky, not as gruff as before.

"Everything! I don't want to get married Jacob, I never did! And the nightmares! Every night now. They're brutal and scary and I…..I can't….."

I groaned as a wall of heat hit me. He'd strode the length of the room and wrapped me up in his arms. My tears were soaking his chest, but he didn't seem to care as I wept in frustration and relief at the same time.

Jacob backed us up, and pushed me down, so we were both seated on his bed.

"What's wrong honey?" he lifted my chin and wiped the tears away from underneath my eyes.

"I'm so scared Jacob. I don't want to get married. And the nightmares, I'm…..killing people," I whispered the last two words.

"That's what vampires do Bella." There was no sarcasm or vindictiveness in his voice. He was just being matter of fact.

"But the Cullens don't," I argued.

"They're not newborns anymore, and they've had years to train themselves not to kill humans. And it's still not easy for them. You told me how hard it was for Edward. And your birthday….."

"I know, I know. I just didn't realize….I didn't think it through," I finished lamely, before a new thought struck me.

"But Jacob," I gasped. "How are _you_?"

God, I was selfish. I was so self-centered; I didn't even ask him how he was after he'd broken half the bones in his body! "You're up and around. You look okay. Are you phasing again?"

"I'm fine," he smiled. "Bored out of my mind. I have to pretend my bones are still mending for another month or so before I can go out without people talking. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm sick of playing video games and working in the garage all day. Don't tell my dad I said that when it's time to go back to school, okay?"

"Your secret is safe with me," I smiled.

"I can phase again in a few days. This Friday, Dr. Cullen said. I never thought I'd look forward to patrolling. _That's_ how bored I am."

He took a closer look at me. "You look awful Bella. You look like you're the one who was crushed by a vampire."

"I'm just tired."

Jacob rearranged himself on the bed, so he was propped up on his pillows lengthwise and pulled me alongside of him. I curled into his side, resting my head against his chest.

"I had the most horrible dream tonight," I whispered, and sniffed, as the tears welled up again.

He looked at me. "What did you dream honey?"

I couldn't look at him. "I dreamt that I killed you." My voice was barely audible, but werewolves had good hearing just like vampires.

"Aww, Bells." He stroked my cheek comfortingly.

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"No honey," he chuckled. "It was a dream."

"It was terrible," I shuddered. "But it made me realize I can't do it." I looked him in the eye. "I. Can't. Do. It," I enunciated every word so there'd be no doubt. "It's not worth it Jacob."

His face lit up and he held me tighter. "Are you saying…? You're not going to change?"

I shook my head and for the first time in weeks, I felt some of the tension and panic release from my body. "I'm not going to change."

I caught a glimpse of the shine in his eyes before he pulled me against him. "Oh Bella, that's all I ever wanted. Oh, thank god."

That's all Jacob had ever wanted and he'd tried every tactic he could come up with to stop me from going ahead with my reckless, irreversible plans. And what had I done? I'd fought him every step of the way, turning a blind eye to all his arguments. His arguments to save _my_ life.

"I'm so stupid," I murmured, shutting my eyes wearily.

"Why?"

"You fought for me. You fought so hard for me. And I didn't even fight for _myself_."

I pushed myself up on my elbow and looked at him. "I thought he was the one. He was so perfect. He was so flawless and I felt like his wanting _me_ somehow made me more worthwhile. You know what I mean?"

"No Bella, I don't. You were always worthwhile."

"But, I mean, he kissed me and I got goose bumps."

"Jesus Christ Bella! If I dropped an ice-cube down your back you'd have the same reaction!"

I stopped short. "Really?"

"Yes!" he yelled adamantly.

"Cos…," I felt my cheeks redden in spite of myself. "I got them with you too. Chills up and down my spine?"

"You did?" his voice got soft and husky and his eyebrows shot up.

I ducked my head against his chest before murmuring, "Mmm-hmm."

"Well," he chuckled. "That's different."

We lay on our sides, facing each other. My nose was poking against his bare chest while his fingers stroked my arm idly.

I pushed against his side with my hand to scoot myself a little higher.

"Ow," he hissed softly, rubbing his rib.

"You're still hurting." It wasn't a question.

"Just a little sore in a couple of places." He shook it off.

"Where does it hurt?" I asked him.

"Right here for one," he rubbed at the spot on his right side, right over his rib cage.

I ducked my head and pressed my lips to the spot, kissing softly.

I planted gentle kisses all around the area, so I wouldn't miss a spot.

"Where else?" I murmured against him, still kissing.

"Right here," he whispered tightly, pointing to the top front side of his shoulder.

I moved up and placed my lips on his shoulder. I could smell his shampoo and the clean scent of soap mingled in with pine and pure Jacob Black.

I ran my fingers up and down his upper arm and forearm, grasping his hand, and then peppering tiny kisses over his shoulder.

I couldn't resist moving a little further up, against that part of his neck where I always rested my head; that perfect groove that I fit against so perfectly, where I would never have to worry about doing him any harm ever again.

I felt him shudder as I moved my head slowly back and forth blowing softly on the moistness left behind from my lips across his throat.

"Anywhere else?"

He chuckled, embarrassed.

"Where, Jacob?"

He pointed to his inner thigh, his face red, and laughed softly again.

"But you don't have to -," he made a gurgling noise as I moved quickly down his body, and my mouth was on his inner thigh, pushing his shorts up over his bare skin.

I'd never been so closely acquainted with _this_ part of Jacob before. It was as soft and warm as the rest of him. I kissed all along his upper thigh. The muscles here were sinewy and strong and I felt them flex wildly under my mouth.

"Bella, stop," he groaned. "Jesus, you're killing me. Stop."

I pulled my face away and looked up over his body and into his eyes.

"Anywhere else?"

He nodded his head. "Come here."

He pulled me up the length of his body, his eyes on my lips, until we were face to face, and then he crashed his mouth down against mine. I clung to his heat and felt myself melting. All I saw and felt in that moment was the color red, like when we'd kissed on the mountain all those weeks ago, and I thought of molten lava; hot and red and bubbling as I melted.

One hand against my back pulled me against his chest and the other was just above my bottom; our bodies flush against one another. Even our lips were tightly bound.

For all the softness of Jacob, his kisses were always so emotionally charged there was a hard edge to them. It always felt like he was so afraid I would run away from him, he had to convey to me all his feelings quickly in that moment, before I ended it all too abruptly. And who could blame him?

But tonight my emotions were running a little high as well, and I matched his intensity kiss for kiss, grasp for grasp. I ran my tongue over his and he drew my bottom lip into his mouth and then released it.

"Jake? You all right in there?" There was a soft knock at the door. Billy!

I gasped and Jacob tensed.

"I thought I heard you moan; are your ribs hurting again?"

"Yeah Dad, but I'm okay. I took one of those pills Dr. Cullen left for me; they just haven't kicked in yet. I'll be alright, go ahead and go back to bed."

"Alright. Wake me if you need anything, son," he answered after a hesitation. Then we heard the sound of his wheelchair rolling over the hardwood floor back toward his own room.

That was close. I wasn't sure if Billy would have really cared if he'd found out I was in here, but I didn't want to find out the hard way whether or not he would tell Charlie.

"I've gotta go Jacob." I pushed him off so I could get up. I heard him hiss as I accidently pushed against his shoulder as I sat up. He really was hurting still. I leaned over and pressed another gentle kiss to it before I swung my feet to the floor and stood up.

"Bells?" He reached out and took my arm, his face questioning and unsure. I knew he didn't trust me. It wouldn't be the first time I'd jerked him around. For all he knew, I'd hop in my truck and go straight to the Cullens' from here. But I wasn't.

"We need to talk Jake. I want to see you again. But not here; can you come to my house tomorrow night? I'll leave the window open."

"What about Charlie?"

"He's a heavier sleeper than Billy, it'll be alright."

It was true; Charlie slept through anything. All the months Edward had spent in my room, Charlie had never heard us laughing and talking. The only thing that woke Charlie up was my screaming after one of my nightmares. And I chalked that up to some weird paternal parent thing. Or maybe for Charlie it was a cop thing. Anyway, he slept through everything.

"Okay." He nodded and rose from the bed, looking down and taking both my hands in his.

"I'll see you tomorrow night. Around midnight?"

I nodded and we stared at each other for a long moment, hands still entwined.

"Okay," he whispered and took my face so gently in his great big hands, kissing me chastely, his lips pressed to mine for a long moment.

Then he put his finger to his lips in a 'sshhhh' gesture before he picked me up and carried me to the front door without making a sound. He opened it silently and brought me outside, depositing me on the porch.

"Bye Jake," I whispered, smiling. I gave him one more quick kiss before I tiptoed down the steps and got into my truck.

Jacob stayed on the porch and watched me pull out and onto the road.

Well that hadn't gone exactly as planned! I replayed the last events of the night over again. I was surprised and proud for allowing myself to act according to how I felt.

When had I lost that? All this time with Edward and having to be so restrained lest he push me away for the hundredth time had made me skittish and afraid of rejection.

I wasn't always that way. In fact, if I remembered correctly, I would probably have made love with Edward that very first night he spent in my room. Well, the first night I was _aware_ of him spending the whole night in my room. But he told me couldn't or he would kill me, and that had been a bit of a mood killer.

Jacob wouldn't push me away like Edward always did, that much I knew. There'd be no rejections, objections or moralizing. And best of all, no threat of killing me.

Poor Jacob.

I thought of him over this past month, stuck in his house with no one to really take care of him properly. When I'd been in the hospital after James had bitten and beaten me, my mother had rushed out here to take care of me. Not that Charlie didn't take care of me too, but it was different with a mother, with a female in general. A mom makes sure you're eating and that you have _good_ things to eat, and makes sure you're comfortable, and keeps you company. Jacob didn't have that. He didn't have a mom and his sisters, as far as I knew, hadn't been out this last month. He'd had no female to take care of him – kiss away the pain like I had tried to tonight. Everyone should have that. Jacob deserved that.

Poor Jacob, I thought again. No mom, no sisters around. No girlfriend.

Right?

No, Jacob was obsessed with _me_. I was all he saw when he closed his eyes, he'd told me. He never saw other girls, he'd said.

But…..My hands tightened on the steering wheel. That didn't mean other girls didn't notice _him_. Jacob was tall and muscular and handsome. He was friendly and sweet, yet confident and a little cocky. Who wouldn't be attracted to Jacob?

And he was hurt, trapped in bed, to anyone who didn't know he had werewolf healing powers. What would stop these girls from visiting him? Trying to take care of him? Kissing any part of him that might hurt to make him feel better. I thought I had been so daring for kissing his thigh. What if they had taken it a little further? Tried to make him feel really, really good and kissed his -?

THOSE SLUTS!

My foot hit the accelerator as I felt like I'd just been punched in the gut.

Vast scenarios played out in my head as I imagined not one, but many different girls sitting by Jacob's bedside and spoon-feeding him soup. And then crawling all over him in various states of undress, doing all kinds of unmentionable things. My heart was racing.

That was it.

Jacob Black was **MINE**.

~~RaD~~


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"Edward is going to flip when he sees you in that get-up and I want all the details when you get back from your honeymoon." Jessica smirked at me from the other side of the booth we were seated at.

I very maturely spit my coke out across the table as I choked on Jess's words.

"Whoa, good one! You alright?"

I wasn't really feeling the concern as she laughed and I continued to cough. "Are you saving that for the honeymoon or are you planning on using it before then?"

I took a deep breath, my throat back in working order again. "I haven't decided yet." I forced my lips into a tight grin.

Jessica was referring to the slutty lingerie I'd purchased with her earlier at Victoria's Secret. I was having a moment. I'd been having _many_ moments since last night. I kept picturing beautiful copper-skinned girls with long, shiny dark hair and big exotic dark eyes crawling all over _poor_ Jacob; trapped in his bed with multiple broken bones and contusions. Stupid werewolf.

I had to admit, I was not good with jealousy; real or imagined. I'd plucked the baby blue panty and push-up bra set – with garters! – off the rack in the heat of the moment and brought them to the cashier and paid cash. Jessica did not see the vanilla scented candles I'd grabbed at the counter and also purchased. What the hell was wrong with me? A small voice in the back of my head kept screaming "but what about your _fiancé_"? And I'm not proud to admit, I just kept ignoring it.

Jessica had phoned about 10 this morning:

"Hey almost-married lady, you wanna see a movie tonight?"

"I'm busy later tonight, but maybe we can have dinner?" I wanted to have plenty of time to plot my jealousy-fueled debauchery. Or talk myself into it is more like it.

"Okay. And some shopping beforehand? I wanted to check out the sale they're having at Nordy's."

Jessica loved shopping.

"Sure," I agreed. "Sounds like a plan."

And here we were. Jessica wasn't one of my favorite people, but if I was really going to stay human, I figured it was best to invest in my friendships since I wasn't going to have to give them up now.

"I can't believe you're getting married, Bella. And you're not even pregnant! I mean, who gets married at our age these days? Leave it to you to snag the best looking guy in school. Hell, best looking guy in Washington on your first day here. I used to have kind of a thing for Edward too, but I got over it. He used to stare at me all the time before you showed up here, but I chose Mike over him. But then I had to cut Mike loose too. He just couldn't handle me and not to be conceited, but I could have had any guy at Fork's High anyway. Honestly –"

My god, did she ever shut up? I tuned out Jessica's endless diatribe of how wonderful she thought she was and worried about what I'd gotten myself into tonight. I was acting crazy. I had things that had to be dealt with, namely a wedding, a fiancé, and that little matter of immortality I had changed my mind about. I could not jump into something headfirst with Jacob. It wasn't right. I would put the naughty undergarments and candles in the back of my closet and return them in a couple weeks. I would talk to Jake tonight and tell him I needed to settle things before we moved ahead in our relationship. I would handle all this with a little dignity and a little maturity.

I had no idea how yet. The bottom line was – I wasn't ready to give up Edward. Just because I no longer wanted to be a vampire and had never really wanted to get married, didn't mean that I didn't still love Edward. Things had just been moving too fast and marriage and vampirism were just a little too… permanent right now.

I would meet with Jacob and we would _talk_ and then I would meet with Edward and talk some more. Slowing things down with one and talking about the possibility of picking things up with the other. But that wasn't right either.

I was getting a headache.

I would handle one thing at a time. I would focus on getting through my meeting with Jake tonight and deal with Edward tomorrow.

"- and I told him, I mean who wouldn't want to get with me, right?"

"Right," I nodded, having no idea whatsoever what Jessica was talking about.

I didn't think dinner would ever end, but eventually it did. We'd each taken our own cars, and it was about 9:15 when I unlocked the front door and came into the house with my packages.

I climbed the stairs and Charlie's bedroom door was ajar and I could hear his television going. I peeked in to tell him I was home and he was sound asleep with the remote still in his hand. I crept in and flipped the television off and turned off his light. Then I did something I hadn't done in a long, long time. I kissed him goodnight on the cheek. He didn't even stir.

The first thing I did when I got to my room was open my closet door and throw my bag of ill repute to the back and shut the door. Then I jumped in the shower and put some sweats and a t-shirt on when I got out.

The next couple of hours crawled as I tried to watch television and not think too hard about what I was going to say to Jacob when he got here.

About 11:30 I couldn't stand it anymore. I just wanted to see how it looked, I told myself. I dug the bag from the floor of my closet. And maybe I could light one of the candles. They did smell really good. That would be okay, right?

I took my clothes off again and put the baby blue satiny bra on first. Holy crow! This push-up bra was like magic! It pushed and cinched my breasts so tight they practically bulged over the top like a Playboy centerfold. I couldn't take my eyes off my chest. It was almost a sin that someone wouldn't get to see me in this!

The panties were next, and I attached the garter thingies to the bottom with the white stockings, which blended almost perfectly into my zombie white legs. I twirled in front of the mirror and then turned to the back to see my behind. I hadn't felt like this since I was 7 and Rene had bought me a Snow White princess costume from the Disney store. I wore that costume everywhere, including the grocery store. Then I'd felt like a princess, now I felt something I'd never felt before: sexy.

But I had to take it off now. I wasn't wearing it tonight. I wasn't even going to keep it. It was going back to the store. I looked forlornly one last time in the mirror.

I sighed. Maybe I could undo the garters and just use the underwear? Maybe just wearing them under my clothes where no one would see them would make me feel more confident. Yeah, I could do that. That wasn't dangerous at all. I pulled my sweats back on and the t-shirt back over my head.

Oh my gosh! The t-shirt looked much… _fuller_ with this bra on underneath. So _that_ was Victoria's secret!

I took a deep breath and the vanilla scent from the candle I had lit wafted fragrantly on the air. So I pulled out all four of the other ones and lit them too. I placed them all around my room.

I turned out the light and sat on my bed in the dark, gazing out the window, waiting for Jacob to get here. It was still a little early, but I was reflecting. I tried to think of the right words to use when he got here. I watched the tree line in the distance since I wasn't sure if he would drive here in the Rabbit or if he would go through the woods in wolf form.

I stood up from my bed; something moved out by the oaks across the road. It wasn't a wolf, it looked like a person. There was a flash of dark clothing between the trees. I squinted and stared till my eyes watered, but I didn't see it again. It was probably just my imagination.

Then I saw Jacob. I glanced at my clock on my desk and it said 12:03. I slid my window open and waved as he walked toward the house. The moonlight illuminated his large form as he smiled up at me.

"Hold on, I'll come down and let you in the front door," I whispered loudly to him.

"Don't be silly Bells, I can come up this way, I'm fine."

Before I could protest, he was up the side of the house and gliding in through my window. His massive frame was right in front of me before I could even back up away from the windowpane.

"Are you okay? I could have opened the door for you silly. Did that hurt you?" I looked into his face to see if he was covering up any pain with his bravado. He noticed me worriedly checking him out and winced in pain.

"Oooooh yeah," he groaned and grimaced, holding his side with one hand and his hip with the other.

"All over." Then he grinned cheekily and cocked an eyebrow. "Kisses?"

He laughed and pulled me into a tight hug before I could protest and I whacked his arm.

"Jerk," I said, my voice muffled against his chest. I could feel his laughter rumbling against my cheek.

"I'm really fine Bella. My body is completely healed, but… how did Dr. Cullen explain it? He said that my body heals so fast that my brain doesn't have time to catch up; it can't comprehend the speed at which my body has healed. So while my bones are just fine, it's like the brain holds a memory of the pain. Something like that. So it hurts sometimes, but there's nothing really wrong anymore."

I gently pushed him away and reminded myself that I was still engaged to someone else and we were just going to _discuss_ a possible relationship beyond friendship in the near future.

We stood apart and looked at each other for a minute, each waiting for the other to set the tone for this rendezvous.

"So," he started nervously.

"Soooo. Sit down," I motioned for him to follow me and have a seat on my bed, but he pulled up the chair from my desk and straddled it backwards across from me.

He glanced around my room curiously. "Are we having a séance or something?"

"No," I giggled, embarrassed. "I just um, I just bought some candles today and I was just….."

"Ah, I get it," he nodded his head and stifled a grin. "Mood lighting."

"Jacob? Shut up!"

He grinned and then grew serious, putting out both his hands, palms up.

"Well Bells, you asked me here, now you've got me. What's up?"

I just sat and stared at him. I had no idea. "I don't know," I told him honestly.

I saw his jaw tighten just a little and that cold Sam look came into his eyes. I'd better come up with something encouraging quick.

"I'm gonna be honest with you Jacob."

"Good," he said as I took a deep breath.

"I got myself a little worked up last night."

I saw his jaw relax and a small grin reappeared on his face.

"No, not that! I mean, not when we – well, I mean yeah, I did when we – but I mean, that's not what I'm talking about."

I saw my flustered response was amusing him greatly.

"I meant, after I left you last night, I got myself….upset." _Jealous, tell him the truth_.

"Jealous. I got myself a little jealous."

His eyebrows shot up.

"Jacob? Did you have any…..visitors this last month since you got hurt? Anybody from school or anything come visit you?"

"Yeah," he said after thinking a minute. "A few friends from school have been by."

"Huh. And do these friends know you're a werewolf?"

"God no. Only the guys in the pack and the elders know that. And you, of course."

"Of course," I nodded. "And were any of these friends possibly…..female?"

He blinked and tried not to smirk. He knew exactly where I was going with this.

"What are you asking me?"

"I thought that was a simple question. Were any of these visitors girls?"

"Bells," he chuckled. "I'm not going to lie to you. There are a few girls at school who… are interested in me."

He reached over and took both my hands in his. "But honey, you're the only girl I see. I told you that. And I meant it."

He was hunched over the back of the chair, his eyes holding my gaze so intensely.

His broad shoulders amassed the sides of the seat and his thick forearms were resting on his legs. His big hands were still holding mine. I felt a fluttering in my stomach.

"So did any of these girls visit you recently?" I couldn't let it go.

"Yeah, a couple of girls I know came by and visited. But nothing happened honey. They kept me company. One of them brought Billy and me dinner a few times. A couple of them came over and watched movies with the guys. Nothing happened."

"None of them tried anything with you?" My imagination had been so vivid; I just couldn't shake the image of these girls straddling him while he pretended to lay helpless in his bed.

"No." He looked down with an uncomfortable look on his face. "One of them might have asked me if we could get together when I was back on my feet," he admitted.

There was that slapped in the face feeling again. My throat was so tight I couldn't even say anything. I knew I had no right to be jealous. I'd all but stomped on his injuries the last time I'd seen him after he was hurt.

"But I won't if we're, you know."

He looked at me and my butterflies were turning into tingles in very dangerous places. His dark eyes were so earnest. How could someone so strong and intimidating be so sweet and vulnerable at the same time?

"Bella, you're obviously not getting what I feel for you. I thought I explained it, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in."

He stood up from the chair and moved it back under the desk so he was standing over me. I felt so small at the edge of my bed.

"Do you want me to show you?"

It suddenly got hard to breathe as he bent down and I leaned back against the bed as he hovered above me, his hands resting on the bed, on either side of my waist. His face was just inches from mine and now I could feel the heat emanating from him. And I remembered that delicious melting feeling from last night when he'd kissed me. He was so close, his gaze on my lips. _Kiss me, kiss me_.

He pushed me back against the comforter, and his arms were straddled on either side of my shoulders and his legs straddled over my knees as he hovered above me.

He lowered his mouth to my neck, nuzzling just above my collar bone, kissing softly. My breath was coming faster. _Kiss me, kiss me_.

"Do you want me to show you Bella?"

I couldn't speak, so I nodded my head and took a deep breath.

He moved his lips softly over my cheek, tickling, avoiding my lips and making his way to my ear, taking my ear lobe between his teeth. His heat and my own were washing over me, but despite that I still felt chills running down my spine.

"Ask me," he whispered into my ear, and I shivered.

"Not because you're afraid of losing me and not because you feel guilty. But just because you want me to."

His hand was in my hair and my scalp tingled as he ran the thick pads of his fingers through it.

"Jacob," I breathed, hoping that would be enough. Enough to let him know my lips were begging to be kissed.

His mouth barely grazed mine quickly and pulled away before I could kiss him back.

"Is that what you want? Hmmm?"

Again, he just brushed his mouth against mine and drew away.

I groaned in protest and arched my neck, raising my face closer to his.

"Ask me," he whispered.

I don't know why it was so hard for me. Why I couldn't just surrender when it was what I wanted?

"Please?" I moaned softly. "Please Jacob?"

He kissed my forehead and my cheeks, his warm breath so close, then my chin and my jaw. Everywhere but where I wanted. My body was starting to writhe in frustration and something else underneath him. I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Kiss me Jacob. Kiss me," I whispered. And the next second his mouth was on mine and I felt something electric go through my body all the way down to my toes.

When his tongue brushed over mine, I whimpered and fisted my hands in his hair at the back of his head.

Jacob's kisses were passionate, but they'd lost that desperate air about them. They were a little slower, a little more languid, like he trusted that he had all the time in the world. I felt him slowly lower the length of his body down on top of mine, so he was flush against me. The heat made my eyes roll back in my head a little. Or maybe it was because his hands were slipping up under my shirt and smoothing up over my stomach. They headed around to my back, gliding over the skin, grasping and pressing.

I arched up so he could work his hands up higher, between my shoulder blades and I could feel the hard length of him against my leg. I drew in an excited breath.

Oh god, he wanted me! I _was_ desirable and I could feel the proof of it for once. And Jacob was not even close to pushing me away. On the contrary, his body was melded to mine from head to toe. I'd never been this close to anyone in my life before.

My shirt was riding higher and higher as Jacob spread his hands over my upper body. Then I felt him take the bottom edge and hesitantly tug it up in an attempt to remove it. I pushed myself up slightly and pulled it over my head and tossed it. He pulled back and I could see the surprised look on his face as he gazed in reverence at my new under garment. His hand reached out and cupped the satiny side of my breast and then his gaze traveled up to my face, catching my eye.

"Is this for me?" he asked, his eyes back down at my chest again.

I just shrugged, embarrassed, but pleased that he seemed to find it as magically alluring as I had earlier.

Then Jacob's hands were cupping both my breasts and his mouth was on me, his tongue dipping into the space at the top of my cleavage.

I dropped back down to the bed, spineless. He pulled one breast free from its frilly confines and put his mouth over my nipple and bit gently, running his tongue over the swollen tip.

"Do the bottoms match?" He pulled himself away for the millisecond it took to ask the question.

"Huh?" It took me a minute to formulate an answer in my lightheaded state. "Oh, uh-huh."

"Wanna see?" I asked shyly.

I gently pushed him off me for a second and stood up at the side of the bed. He got up as well and stared, his eyes slightly glazed as he leaned back against my dresser.

It took me a minute to gather up the courage to slide my sweats off; I felt like I was on display. Once I got those off, it was all I could do not to cover myself with my hands. But the look on Jake's face made me feel a little more confident. Enough to walk slowly toward him and stand before him. I placed my hands on his chest, palms flat, and slid them across its vast expanse. My thumbs glided over his nipples, heading toward his shoulders and then back down to his stomach.

I'd seen Jacob shirtless a million times and admired the beauty of his body at least a hundred, but I'd never allowed myself to really appreciate it with anything other than my eyes. He stood still, still leaning against my dresser, allowing me to explore the hard planes and tight ridges of his torso.

"So no one else has tried to kiss you and make you feel better since I saw you last month?"

He exhaled through his nose, amused. "No Bells, no one but you has kissed me and made it all better."

I nodded my head, happy and relieved at the thought. I brought my lips to his chest and kissed him now, everywhere, making a point to not miss a spot. I spanned across his pecs and down to the top of his abdominals. I kissed over the hard grooves and in the dips between the muscles. Lower and lower until I came to the top of his pants. His muscles tensed in anticipation, waiting to see what I would do next.

I knew what I wanted to do, but I was scared. I wanted to do this right; I wanted Jacob to know how much he meant to me. I could see the stiff outline of him straining against his shorts.

I dropped down to my knees on the floor and I heard him draw a sharp breath. I wasn't sure if he was wearing underwear, so I crept my hand up under the leg of his shorts and felt the cotton underneath; he was. I undid the button and zipper of his shorts and pulled them down over his legs and he kicked them off to the side, leaving him in just his boxers. I was surprised my hands were steady as I ran them up and down his thick, strong thighs. I spread his legs apart slightly, so I could put my mouth on his inner thighs. His knees gave when my mouth touched his skin, but he recovered quickly.

I wanted to kiss him everywhere. That spot behind his knees, his sensitive inner thighs, the backs of his legs just underneath his underwear line, and the crease where his leg joined his torso just along the outside of his groin.

I kissed him everywhere but _there_. I gained confidence as I covered the whole area of his lower body. Taking a deep breath, I moved from his thighs to the spot between his legs that hung tight and hard with his seed. I kissed over his testicles and I could hear him making muffled sounds up above me as he tensed. I just took my time, using my mouth and my hands, still over his boxers, slowly and gently. It must have felt good judging from the noises coming from up above me.

Finally it was time for the scary part. I slowly worked my way up to his length, kissing and using my teeth lightly to nibble along his shaft through the cotton barrier. I felt it pulsing under my mouth as I moved my lips and teeth along it. Jacob's hand reached out gently for the top of my head.

"Bells?" he choked out.

And I knew it was time. I peeled the elastic down so just the rounded top was peeking out, taut against his belly and ran my tongue over the now wet tip. Jacob made a strangled moan. I could tell he wasn't going to last much longer and had endured my torture long enough.

I yanked his boxers down to his knees and put the whole top into my mouth, running my tongue all around it and sucking gently. Jacob was hanging onto my dresser for dear life now as I swallowed as much of his length as I could get down my throat. My hand wrapped around the bottom half of his very large, very thick shaft. I didn't know what I was doing, but it was pretty basic and instinctive. I moved my mouth and my hand together, pumping him, sucking and swirling all at the same time. Just as he started moaning my name, I slid my other free hand under his testicles and gently rubbed and pressed there in time with my hand and my mouth.

I was aware of Jacob faintly trying to push my face away at the last minute, but I flung a hand at him, and continued my movements as his body tensed. He groaned and my mouth filled with a hot, thick substance that I swallowed right away. After a few moments I stopped all movement, but kept my mouth and hands in place as I felt Jacob pulsing and calming. Then he reached down and pulled me to my feet, holding me lightly as he breathed against me, catching his breath.

"Oh god Bella, how did you know how to do that?"

I shrugged and shook my head against his chest. Did he really expect me to answer that? A very naked Jacob stepped back briefly and picked up his boxers from the floor and put them back on. I could see he was semi-hard even still.

He pushed me back onto the bed so he was on top of me.

"I want to make you feel good now," he murmured, nibbling on my ear and then moving his head back down to my breasts. His hand moved underneath my back and my bra clasp came open and he slid it off of me. I glanced down; it was not quite as impressive as with the bra on, but Jake didn't seem to notice. Every time his teeth and mouth tightened around my nipples, my hips would arch up against him. I wasn't all that knowledgeable about men's anatomies, but I was pretty surprised that Jacob was fully erect again. I pushed my hips against him, and every time it hit right against the most wonderful spot. We started a steady rhythm against one another.

Jake lifted his head suddenly and he sniffed the air curiously. He rolled off of me so fast, I didn't know what to think.

I screamed when a body lunged right above me, their hands coming down in a punching motion so fast on either side of me that it was a blur. The whole bed bounced up off the floor before crashing back to the ground. A scream bubbled up from my chest, but died in my throat when I saw Edward's face above my own. His look of rage was so fierce I almost didn't recognize him.

"Edward!" I covered my chest and sat up. He sprang up and was at the other side of the room too quickly for human eyes to follow. Edward put his hands on both of Jacob's forearms. Jacob growled and flung his arms away, while his whole body shook violently.

"Edward stop!" I yelled. "Don't hurt him! It's not his fault!"

"How. Dare. You. Put. Your hands. On her." Edward snarled, trying to grab onto Jacob while Jacob shoved Edward back, closer and closer to the window, convulsing the whole way.

"Edward stop! He's going to phase; you're going to hurt him. Please, both of you! Stop!"

Jacob gave one major shove and Edward flew back against the wall. Jacob was fighting desperately to keep his form and not having an easy time of it.

Edward looked dazed, but I suspected it was more shock at what he had just witnessed on my bed. He stayed pressed against the wall and Jacob, trembling, smirked at him. I knew just by the look on Jake's face that he was reliving what he and I had been doing prior to being interrupted. Edward's face crumpled and his body slumped in agony as he read Jacob's thoughts.

"Stop it Jacob! Stop it!"

I ran to Edward's side. "I'm so sorry Edward. I'm so sorry."

He turned his head slowly toward me and it must have been torture not having tears to shed to relieve the devastation on his face.

"How could you Bella? I gave you a choice. Why did you do this?"

"Because you can't leech," Jake sneered at him.

Edward ignored him and stared at me, his eyes imploring. "I expected this of him, but you Bella?"

I didn't know what to say, I felt so terrible. So instead I grabbed for my shirt and my sweats and pulled them back on quickly.

"I had said we would try Bella. Our wedding is in less than two months. We were going to try."

"You know what they say," Jacob interrupted. "Those that can't _try,_ those that can, _do_."

"Jake, shut up," I mumbled weakly.

Edward turned to him, his face contorting into a rage again, but his voice remained smooth as velvet. "I'm not going to kill you Jacob," and here he grinned wickedly, "even though I could, very easily."

"Why not?" Jacob taunted him. "I would if the shoe were on the other foot."

"Because it would hurt her, dog-"

My bedroom door flung open before Edward could finish his sentence and Charlie burst into the room.

"What the hell is going on in here?"

He looked disheveled and half-asleep. But not so groggy that he forgot to grab his revolver before springing from his bed. He held it in his hand at his side.

I stood in front of him, trying to block his view of Jacob, who was still quaking just slightly.

"It's alright Dad. It's okay. Jacob and Edward were having a disagreement, but everything is under control now."

Charlie looked from my face to Edward standing against the wall in a defeated posture to Jacob who now just looked a little shaken up.

"What the hell are you all doing in my house at 2:00 in the morning?"

Oops.

"Long story Dad. I'll explain it all in the morning. The boys were just going home now."

Charlie sighed and ran his hand through his hair and gave us all one last hard look.

I bet that was the look he used in the interrogation room at the station. It was good.

"Alright," he sighed. "But I want you all out. _Now_. Except for you," he pointed at me.

I nodded my head and watched him pad down the hall, back to his own room and shut the door.

"You've both got to go," I told them. I went to Edward and put my hands on both his shoulders, and leaned my forehead against his stone chest. I had the sinking feeling I had just lost my very first love. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I lifted my head, forcing him to make eye contact with me. "Okay?"

He nodded wearily and pressed his cold lips against my forehead.

I looked over at Jacob whose eyes were just as defeated as Edward's.

"I'll see you around Bells," he tossed over his shoulder, opening my window all the way and hopping out. He phased before even hitting the ground.

Edward and I stood silently at the window and watched Jacob make his way to the edge of the trees before he threw back his head and howled forlornly.

Edward didn't say another word and then he too jumped from my window and disappeared from sight.

~~RaD~~

A/N _You know what's better than kisses and blow-jobs? Reviews. Okay, so maybe that's a lie. But please leave one anyway. It doesn't have to be awe-inspiring, it doesn't have to be 3 paragraphs or more, it doesn't even have to be nice/complimentary. Just a few words. Or more, if you're feeling that way inclined. Thanks!_


	5. Chapter 5

Note: I want to thank the awesome ysar for surprising me with this beautiful banner. I love it!

Chapter Five

Just my luck, the next day was Charlie's day off. I was not going to have the luxury of stalling until tonight to come up with some excuse for the smack-down that had gone on in my bedroom between my fiancé and my best friend at two o'clock in the morning.

I could hear Charlie moving around downstairs; making his coffee, getting the newspaper. And was it my imagination or was he slamming the cupboard doors just a little more forcefully than usual?

I looked at the clock and it was 9:00. I could _maybe_ give myself fifteen minutes to lie here and come up with a story. A story that Charlie, my father, the chief of police, would buy.

Fifteen minutes later, I had nothin'. No viable excuse for Jake and Edward both being at the house in the middle of the night without incriminating someone. I sighed and rolled out of bed, throwing on my robe as I headed for the kitchen to face the music.

My dad was sitting at the table with the paper and a cup of coffee when I rounded the corner.

"Morning," I mumbled, avoiding his eyes and getting a coffee mug.

"Bella," he acknowledged me.

I poured some coffee and took a seat at the table. Charlie sat back in his chair, his eyebrows raised expectantly, waiting.

"So what do you have to say for yourself?" he finally asked as I sat across from him silently.

"Dad, don't be mad. I'm really sorry, but this is one of those times when you're just going to have to trust me that there was a good reason, and it won't happen again. I'm sorry."

"Trust you? Bella, those boys were pissed as hell, and they were yelling loud enough to wake Billy all the way in La Push. And while it looked like it had calmed down a little before I came in, I have a hunch that some punches were thrown. What if you had gotten hurt? What if one of _them_ had gotten hurt? I can't have that in my house, Bella."

"I know Dad. But Jacob and Edward would never hurt me, you have to believe me."

"I know they wouldn't have hurt you intentionally, but things happen when tempers flare. I see it all the time. Fists are flying and innocent people get hurt. It took a lot for me not to kick some butt last night Bella. But I remained calm and let you handle it because I _do_ trust you."

He took a sip of his coffee. I could tell he wasn't finished, so I stayed silent while he collected his thoughts before he continued. "I know you're leaving soon, and I don't want to lose you. I don't want this," he gestured back and forth to himself and me, "to end on a bad note. You're going to be gone soon and making your own decisions and handling your own life."

He frowned, "I was surprised to see Jacob though. I'm at least glad to see that he's up and around now. The last thing he should be doing is getting into a physical altercation. He's going to end up right back in the hospital. I mean, it's only been what, a month? Kid sure healed quickly. How do you think I'd feel having to call Billy and tell him that Jake was hurt again? It would have been my responsibility, and Edward is already on tenuous ground with me."

My dad's voice got quieter. "I want to be at your wedding honey. You know I think you're too young and sometimes I think Edward has rushed you into this, but I want to walk you down the aisle Bells. And I always want to be a part of your life, no matter who you choose to spend it with. I have to let you make your own mistakes and….." he looked at me when I made a face. "And I have to accept that sometimes _I'm_ wrong and you know what's right for you." He patted my hand gently and smiled. "That's all I want Bella."

I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. I was glad I hadn't come up with a lie to appease him with this morning. And I was glad my dad was big enough to accept my choices and trust me. Charlie reminded me so much of Jacob or vice versa. They were both strong and had such tough exteriors, but underneath they were big, understanding softies. Where I was concerned at least.

That had gone so well I decided to throw another little confession at my father.

"That's another thing Dad. I'm calling the wedding off." I took a huge gulp of my coffee while he digested what I'd just said. I peered over the rim of my coffee cup and I saw his face light up before he immediately recovered, pasting a serious look across his features. Someone who didn't know him might buy it, but I could see his damn eyes were twinkling.

He took a deep breath. "Can I ask why?"

"You can ask, but I really don't want to talk about it yet."

"Alright," he nodded.

I got up to leave the table and was halfway to the stairs when he asked.

"Does Jake have anything to do with it?"

"Don't want to talk about it Dad."

I swear I heard my father very softly hiss "Yesssss" under his breath.

~~RaD~~

If I'd been dreading the conversation with Charlie this morning, it was nothing compared to what I felt about what I had to face later this afternoon.

My hair was still wet from the shower when I came back to my room and opened the drawer of my dresser to grab a shirt, and a scene from the night before hit my senses. Jacob, leaning against the dresser, his wide back visible in the mirror behind him, his underwear around his ankles and me on my knees before him. I felt something do a flip-flop in my groin and I hurriedly grabbed a shirt and slammed the drawer shut, turning away from the suddenly erotic piece of furniture in the middle of my room and looked out the window instead.

I needed to call Edward. I needed to call Jacob too. I flipped my cell phone open to see if anyone had phoned or texted me, but there was nothing. Geez, yesterday I was so popular _everyone_ wanted to see me, today I was a pariah.

I hit Jake's number first. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, but I figured he was the only one who had no reason to be mad at me today. There was no answer; maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'd managed to piss _everyone_ off last night; Edward, my father _and_ Jake. I left him a voicemail.

"Hey Jacob…just wanted to say hello. I talked to my dad this morning and I think everything's okay, although you might want to lay low for a little while. He's going to let last night slide, but he's still ticked. Just wanted to warn you. Anyway. Uh….call me. Bye"

I hit End Call and stood staring out the window for a long time before I gathered enough courage to try Edward next.

"Good morning Bella." Smooth as silk.

"Edward. Hi…." Oh god, now what? I stood there, absolutely blank.

"Hello? Bella, are you there?"

"No, I'm here. Sorry," I giggled nervously. "Can we talk?"

"Of course. Where would you like to meet?"

"My dad's off today, so not here. Could we go to your house? I can come by in say, half an hour?"

"That would be perfect. Charlie is definitely not ready to see me yet. He fought his baser instincts last night. He handled his emotions very well. And I know it wasn't easy for him."

"I know," I agreed dryly. "He told me. So let me just dry my hair and I'll be on my way."

I pulled into the Cullen's long driveway less than half an hour later. I came very close to turning the car around and heading in the opposite direction, but I was being mature and facing things head-on. Not ignoring my feelings anymore and burying my head in the sand. I was sure it was no coincidence that even after the horrible altercation that occurred last night, I slept soundly with not one nightmare. Of course that could have been because I'd hardly slept, guilt keeping me awake until dawn.

I raised my hand to knock on the door and it opened smoothly before my knuckles hit the wood. Edward greeted me grimly, but he made an attempt to smile. Rosalie was standing in the entryway to the living room at the front of the house. Her arms were crossed and she had a giant smirk on her face. At first I was embarrassed to think that she knew about last night and must think the whole thing was just some big funny joke. I never wanted to slap a look off someone's face so badly in my life. But then I realized she couldn't know about last night, I was sure Edward would never tell Rosalie. It must be my imagination. But my hand itched to smack her just the same.

Edward led the way upstairs past the collage of graduation caps from a hundred years of high school. I shuddered at the thought; I had just made it through for the first time and the last place I wanted to spend the next hundred years was attending it all over again. And again and again and again.

Edward shut his bedroom door and I took a seat on the duvet at the foot of his bed and he stood before the window, waiting for me to start.

I looked down at my fingers, fiddling with the zipper on my jacket. This was not going to be easy.

"Edward," I cleared my throat. "Edward, let me just start off by saying I am so sorry. So very sorry."

"I've been worried about you Bella," he spoke softly. "You wouldn't allow me to come to your room at night anymore. I know I shouldn't worry so, but you're so fragile, I just can't help myself. I've been coming by at night, just to make sure you're alright. I just keep thinking 'not even two more months to go and I won't have to worry about Bella anymore. She'll be with me and I can keep her safe all the time'. But your luck is so bad, love, I was convinced the universe would throw _something_ your way, something to trip you up and… break you. A cyclone that would hit only your street, a fault line under your bedroom window that would open up and swallow you whole. You'd escaped harm from the vampires and the werewolves, maybe zombies would want in on the action. Huh," he chuckled softly and shook his head, looking down for a long moment.

"But I never in a million years imagined that I would look in your window and find you with the dog's dick in your mouth."

I flinched as his words took me by surprise and felt like a physical slap in the face. I'd never heard Edward say a crude word in all the time we'd been together. Edward was always so controlled, and while I'd seen expressions of anger on his face before, he'd never acted out those emotions physically or verbally in front of me. What must it be like to maintain such restraint day in and day out for a century? When I thought of it like that, I realized it was such a small, passive-aggressive, _safe_ way for him to vent some of his frustration.

"Edward," I breathed, the guilt making my stomach ache, hurting me physically. How could I ever apologize, how could I ever make this up to him?

He crossed the room and knelt at my side, taking my hand. I flinched again at the cold. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to be so crude. It's my fault. I know you're human, I've always known this would be a problem. What should I expect when you have needs and I can't take care of them without hurting you? I don't blame you, really. But I can't lie. It hurt me deeply Bella. These emotions are all new to me, they've been dormant for over 100 years, I'm not good at dealing with them and I apologize."

"Oh Edward, don't apologize. You've done nothing wrong. And _no one_ is good at dealing with them. No one. This is my fault, not yours. Don't you dare apologize to me."

I was fighting so hard not to cry, but the tears were winning. Edward went to a drawer in his night table and pulled out a beautifully embroidered white silk handkerchief and gave it to me. As I wiped my tears with it, I couldn't help thinking 'why does a vampire have a handkerchief?' But I was grateful for it nonetheless.

Edward lifted my chin with his fingers, capturing my gaze and holding it.

"I can forgive you Bella. If you want to go on with our plans and be my wife, we can pretend that this never happened. We can get married, we can go to college, we can move to Alaska and I can make you immortal if that's still what you want. We've got forever to be together and figure out what we want to do. Anything Bella, anything you want and I will make sure you have it."

"But," he stood up abruptly and made his way back to the window again. "You can't see him again Bella. That's where I draw the line. I have some pride. I don't want you seeing Jacob Black again. I knew he couldn't be trusted. He uses the only power he has Bella, can't you see? The only thing he has that I don't and he uses it to manipulate you. He knows your weakness, love."

"What is my 'weakness' Edward?" _Don't get mad, don't get mad. You're supposed to be apologizing._

He looked at me patronizingly. "Bella, you know you get carried away with your crazy teenage hormones. And I find it endearing, it's part of your charm. But _some people_ would use it to their advantage, Bella. Like they did last night. I don't blame you, love, really I don't. But I don't want him near you anymore. You can avoid him for the next two months and then we'll leave and we won't ever have to deal with Jacob again."

"Jacob is my best friend," I said stubbornly. "I'm not giving him up."

"Then there can be no wedding." We both stared at each other and the distance between us spoke volumes.

_Don't back down. Don't. Back. Down._

"If that's how you want it."

"It's not how I want it Bella," he shook his head. "I love you, but I don't want a marriage that's doomed from the start. If you can't choose….."

"I'm a horrible person Edward, haven't you figured that out yet?" I whispered. "You're right, I can't choose. I want you both. I want you, I want you forever, but I want sex too, my 'weakness' as you called it. And I want Jacob. The only thing I never wanted was a wedding, and apparently some other weak part of me can't handle being a vampire. But then that's me; weak. Weak in a physical sense, in a survival sense, and weak morally." I hung my head in shame.

And he didn't contradict me. He merely brushed my hair from my face and kissed my cheek.

"You're not a horrible person, love. You're human, that's all."

As if that explained everything. I would always be an incapable human. Especially now that I decided I couldn't be a vampire. And who would want to be married to an incapable human?

I wanted to go home.

"I'll call you tomorrow Edward. I'm really tired, I went to bed late last night and I didn't sleep much."

Edward nodded and walked me to my truck. I had no idea where this left us. Was it over? Was it on? I had a lot to think about. Again. But now that immortality was off the table, everything else was a piece of cake.

A piece of cake with a brick baked into the center and glass shards in the icing, but still a piece of cake.

~~RaD~~

There was a note from Charlie went I got home:

_Went to the Clearwaters. Having dinner with Sue. Come join us. _

I texted him a quick reply that I was tired and planned on taking a nap and I would pass; maybe next time. Then I kicked off my shoes and climbed under the blankets in all my clothes and passed out.

By the time I woke up it was getting dark. I went downstairs and microwaved some leftover chicken fettuccine and checked my phone. Jake had texted me an hour ago. He forgot to charge his phone, so he didn't get my message this morning. He made no mention of last night and no attempt to see me. So I went back upstairs and slept until the next morning. I never even heard Charlie come home.

The next day was Thursday and no one phoned or texted me. I was beginning to think I'd really screwed up and lost both the men I loved. Now I was not only going to get old, I was going to get old all alone.

I thought of Jacob phasing as he left the house the other night and I hoped he was alright. He was not officially allowed to phase until Friday, when I assumed Sam would put him right back on full detail.

I was starting to panic a little because I could feel myself getting depressed, but a bigger part of me knew I would never fall into the despair I had when Edward left me the last time. Thanks to Jacob I knew I could and would survive. Even if Jacob wasn't there to help me through it this time.

I decided to try an experiment. I decided to take off Edward's ring and pretend that it was over. For good. Just to see how my psyche reacted to it. It was harder to take off the ring than I thought it would be. I played with it, spinning it around on my finger, feeling the weight of it for a long time before I slipped it off halfway. I took a deep breath. There. The world didn't end. I slid it off the rest of the way and wrapped it in an old Madeleine handkerchief Rene bought me when I was little, and stuck it in my sock drawer.

I'd never really believed in fate before until I'd met Edward. But as fate would have it, I no sooner closed the drawer with the ring that signified the future I was relinquishing in it, than Edward knocked on my front door.

"Are you free to talk?"

"Of course Edward, come in. Charlie's still at work."

He smiled at that. "I know, that's why I came by so early. I don't want to push my luck."

He followed me into the kitchen and we took a seat at the table.

"Bella," he said my name and looked at me so tenderly, taking my hand very gently in both of his.

"Let me just start off by saying I love you."

My heart dropped in my chest and my stomach clenched. This was going to be bad.

"Don't look at me like that love. This is good, it is. Please know I'm not doing this to hurt you or to punish you. I only want the best for you. Always."

He captured and held my gaze. "My family and I are leaving."

I choked back an immediate sob and he took hold of my shoulders. "It's time Bella. Carlisle has just seen the last patient through that needed him, the school year is over and it's time to grow up. For some of us to grow up," he smiled at me. I was incapable of speaking through the tears streaming down my face.

"This is not going to be like the last time. I won't pretend that you're not enough for me. You've always been more than enough for me. Bella love, I'm not enough for you, and that's the truth. Someday you'll be thankful things worked out this way." He wiped the tears from my cheeks as he spoke softly to me. "I won't hide from you, but I don't think we should speak to each other for a while. We're going to go to Alaska; we'll be staying with the Denali's till we find our own place. I'm not going to leave you with a number to reach me, but you have Alice's email address and if you absolutely must contact me you can notify me through her. But I will get in touch with you eventually. I'll always want to know that you're okay. Don't cry Bella." He stood up and held me close for a long time. I was starting to shiver slightly when I pulled away and sniffed.

"Let me give you the ring back."

"No," he shook his head. "I want you to keep that. There will never be anyone else that I would ever want to wear it besides you."

"But Edward, it was your mother's. I couldn't."

"Please keep it Bella," he smoothed his cool hand over my hot, tear-streaked cheek. "Maybe it will help you to always remember me."

"Edward! I'll never forget you!" Now I was sobbing. How could he think I would _ever_ forget him?

"Sssshhhh, don't cry Bella. This time we'll be friends. I'll have to ask Jacob for lessons on that, he always managed it so effortlessly," he smiled. "I have to go. Will you be alright?"

I shook my head 'no'.

"You will," he reassured me. "This is not goodbye forever Isabella. You're not going to get rid of me that easily. I will contact you in a few years time –"

A few years? That just made me sob harder.

"And you can always contact me through Alice if you need me. Sshhh."

Edward held me till the sun went down and the kitchen grew dark and my sobs had worn themselves dry. Then he kissed me sweetly and he disappeared from my life.

~~RaD~~

A/N This was a heavy chapter for me to write. I find Charlie and Edward both intimidating and I got a double dose in this one. Clean-up sucks. But Jacob will be back next week to lighten things up a little. I even felt bad for Edward, yet very proud of him for doing the right thing.

Now I'm bummed. So please leave a review. It would lift my spirits greatly. Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

The good news was no more nightmares. The bad news was now I couldn't sleep to save my life. What I wanted most to do after Edward left was to curl up in my bed, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep for at least a week. But instead I spent that first whole night with insomnia, staring at my ceiling and telling myself this time would not be like the last time Edward and I broke up. To be truthful, I wasn't as devastated this time. I knew that Edward still loved me, that his family still cared about me and that Alice would still be my friend; albeit from Alaska, but still.

I also was determined that I would not fall apart and subject Charlie, Jacob and myself to the miserable state I had allowed myself to wallow in last time. I would keep busy and find something good to focus on. Like enjoying my friends, maybe looking for a part-time job since Newton's was practically non-existent, and looking into some classes to take when the new semester started in a couple months.

And Jacob.

The next morning was Friday and though I was exhausted from lack of sleep and really didn't want to drag myself out of bed, I forced myself to round up someone to spend the afternoon and hopefully part of the evening with. I would have liked it to be Jacob. But since his text the other day acknowledging my voicemail and informing me that his phone battery had died, I hadn't heard from him. And for some stubborn reason I wanted him to get in touch with me instead of vice versa.

So I endured another night with Jessica. She talked me into going to some 18 and over club with her, and while that _really_ wasn't my thing, I agreed. It turned out to be not so bad. Okay, so it was bad, but it could have been worse. I danced with two different guys, who both wanted my number - but I did not give it out to either of them. And yes, I did dance. Not well, but I forced myself to reach outside of my comfort zone. It was part of the 'dealing with it' Bella. It was painful and awkward and definitely not pretty. But I did it.

I forgot that Charlie had told me he was going fishing over the weekend and I almost panicked at the thought of being alone. But again, I lined something up for myself to do and with clammy hands and a beating heart, I forced a smile and packed some food for Charlie to take with him and said goodbye. My big plans for the day ended up being a call to Mrs. Newton and practically begging her to put me to work that afternoon, and just my luck, she needed the help.

Two days down and one night to kill. I picked up some food and brought it home, curling up on the couch downstairs and turned the tv on. I only cried a little bit and that was because of some stupid damn Hallmark commercial. But I gave in to the tears and curled myself into a ball and fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was disoriented and cranky, so I turned out the lights and the tv downstairs and fell into my own bed.

And stared at the ceiling till 1:00 in the morning.

This was ridiculous. I sat up and turned my computer on; maybe Alice had sent me an email. I'd only checked 4 times this morning before I left for Newton's. I stared out the window while my computer warmed up.

The bushes just beyond our yard were moving. And there was no wind blowing outside. In fact, it had been cold today but clear, so there was not a cloud in the sky which allowed the moon to shine brightly, lighting up the yard and the forest beyond.

Hello Grandma, what big eyes you have.

There was a wolf in my backyard. A massive, shaggy red wolf that was staring right up at my window. Jacob Black! I didn't know if he could see me in the darkened room, I wasn't sure just how sharp his werewolf eyes were, but he turned around and began to dart back into the trees.

No! I jumped up from my bed and ran full-board down the stairs, only skidding down three steps, but landing on my feet without stopping at the fourth. Through the kitchen, flinging the back door open I heard it bang against the wall as I ran barefoot over the grass and brambles and into the trees beyond my yard.

I ran blindly into the bushes and tripped, jumping up immediately as a figure materialized 10 feet in front of me.

"Jesus Christ Bella, you should know better than to run out here alone at night! What the hell is wrong with you?"

I started to answer him but my eyes widened as I realized Jacob was buck naked. So instead I very impolitely gawked and stared. But it didn't seem to faze Jacob; in fact, I saw the corner of his lip twitching very irritatingly.

"What's the matter Bella?" he asked me innocently.

"Jacob!" I hissed. "You're naked!"

"You see something new you missed the other night?"

"Jacob," I forced myself to look away. "Put some clothes on please."

"Okay Bells, if that'll make you feel better. No peeking now," he snorted, wagging his finger at me. He side-stepped behind the holly bush and unhooked his shorts from the elastic around his ankle and pulled them on.

Once his shorts were in place, he strode over to me.

"Why haven't you called me?" I demanded.

He shrugged. "Why haven't _you_ called me?"

I didn't have an answer to that. Not one that I cared to share with him. That I wanted him to come to me. That I was _used_ to him coming to me. There was a very specific dynamic that Jacob and I had, and he was the pursuer and…..I had to admit, I liked it that way. But this was the new Bella; and Jacob and I needed a new dynamic if things between us were going to be different.

I avoided his question and changed the subject.

"Are you patrolling? Can you come inside?"

"Uh-uh. No way. I may have gotten out alive by some fluke last week, but no way is Charlie not going to pull out the shotgun if he catches me in your room in the middle of the night again."

"Well that's not going to happen because Charlie isn't home. He went fishing for the weekend."

"Oh. Well, I was just taking a quick run around the perimeter of your house before I headed back home to crash."

"Well come on, _you_ may not feel it, but it's chilly out here."

"Well what do you expect running outside in your pajamas Bells?"

He gave me the once-over realizing I was also barefoot and before I could protest, he flung me over his shoulder and began carrying me back toward the house.

"Jacob!" I screamed. "Put me down!"

He snorted with laughter and ignored me, crossing the lawn and heading for the back door that I had left wide open in my rush to catch him before he was halfway to La Push.

"Jacob Black, get your hand off my butt!"

"Are you wearing underwear Bells?" he began pinching my rear end as he carried me into the kitchen.

"Stop that!" I screeched, giggling and kicking my legs.

Laughing, he slid me off his shoulder, setting my feet on the kitchen floor, my hands in his to help me keep my balance. He paused and I looked down noticing his gaze was settled on my left ring finger. My bare left ring finger.

He didn't say a word, just looked up at me, questioning. There was a vulnerable expression in his eyes; hopeful, yet guarded.

I finally found my voice.

"It's over."

"Huh," he slid a cool, nonchalant look on his face. "Right."

"No Jacob. They left; they're gone," I felt my lip quiver and my eyes fill against my will.

"What happened?" he breathed, his hands still holding my fingertips.

I shook my head. "I don't want to be a vampire anymore and I never wanted to get married. So what was the point of staying? I'm just an incapable human." A few tears escaped and fell down my cheeks.

"Are those _his_ words or yours?" his brow furrowed angrily.

"They're mine," I sniffed, my head down to hide my tears.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry." He pulled me into his arms and I instantly felt better. "And you are not incapable. Don't ever let me hear you call yourself that again. And human is good."

"What have I ever done that's all that capable or above average?" I mumbled, feeling sorry for myself.

Jacob pulled his face back and looked into my eyes with a grin. "Oh, I'd say you did a little something that was above average the other night. Would you like me to say it out loud and refresh your memory?"

"No!" I giggled despite myself, blushing. "And how would you know it was above average?"

"Trust me, I could tell," he kissed my temple and pulled me back into his heat. "You gonna be okay honey? You want me to go?" he asked growing more serious.

"No, I don't want you to go Jake," I soaked up strength from his warmth.

"Can I ask what happened? With Edward?" he murmured into my hair.

"Ultimately, he didn't want me to see you anymore," I sighed.

Jacob pulled back and looked at me, narrowing his eyes.

"He thought you somehow took advantage of me, of my… weakness."

"Your weakness? That bastard!" he yelled. "I would never hurt you and he knows it!"

"Not that kind of weakness," I shook my head and looked down, embarrassed. "He felt you took advantage of my….my _feelings_ for you. He said he didn't want me near you again."

He mulled that over for a minute. "And what did you say?" he finally asked quietly.

"I told him I would never give you up. So he said the wedding was off."

"You called off the wedding because of me? Because of your feelings for me?"

I nodded, whispering, "The thought of a life without my Jacob… "

I visibly shuddered at the thought. He raised both his arms, so they were against the wall on either side of me.

"So that bloodsucking asshole wanted to forbid you to see me ever again and that's not controlling and creepy? Jesus Christ Bella, he was your boyfriend, not your parent!"

His body expanded in size with anger and his eyes got a strange glow to them.

_Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf?_

Then he caught himself and his eyes softened and he took a deep breath, deflating back into normal size. Well normal for a six foot seven Indian werewolf.

He lowered his arms and ran his hands up and down my bare arms giving me chills. His gaze dropped to my chest, in my skimpy pajama tank top and his hand followed. His fingers caressed the skin exposed just above my shirt and we both watched as my breasts swelled and my nipples hardened in response.

"So is this the only reason you're with me? Is this why you don't want to give me up?" he murmured.

"What do you mean?" I asked breathlessly.

"I mean is Edward right? Is it because he can't… satisfy you like I can?"

"Is that what you think?" In spite of my indignation, something hot spread through my belly at his words.

"I don't know."

"Jacob," I shook my head. "You're my best friend. No one understands me like you do. You are always the first person I think of and run to when things go wrong and the first person I think of when something amazing happens. I've never been so comfortable with anyone in my whole life. You've always felt like family… like home to me."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest. "You always bring out the best in me and make me smile. You have faith in me which makes me have faith in myself. All of that on top of _this_…" I pulled back and ran my fingertips down his chest and over his abdominals, resting just over the top of his shorts. "_That's_ why I'm here."

His arms came up, pinning me against the wall again, but not because he was angry this time. There was something else in his eyes.

"I love you. So. Damn. Much," his face was inches from mine and he enunciated every word. I could feel his heat and I was reminded that no one was home and I was alone and no longer anyone's fiancé.

Suddenly my throat felt very dry. "Maybe," I licked my lips. "Maybe you could show me again."

His lips twitched up at the corners, but his eyes burned. He lowered his face to my throat, running his lips softly down to my collarbone, then up to my ear.

"Would you like that?" he growled against my hair.

I caught my breath and nodded.

He was murmuring against my skin, my throat, my ear, my shoulder. "I want to make you feel good; I want to make you want me like I want you. I want to make your choosing me worth it. I was interrupted the other night."

He reached down and lifted my feet off the ground, crushing his body up against mine, pinning me to the wall. I couldn't catch my breath when I felt his erection pressed right up against my core. I opened my mouth to gasp just as his mouth crashed on mine. His tongue found mine and a muffled moan escaped from my throat.

My legs were wrapped around his waist and I was straining my back against the wall, trying to push myself against him while he leaned into me, his hands underneath my thighs, pressing and squeezing. His hips moved back and forth, rubbing against sensitive places with his erection.

I was gonna lose it right in the foyer underneath the stairs.

"Take me upstairs Jake," I commanded him breathlessly.

He instantly swept me off my feet and had me in my bedroom before I had time to blink. But instead of lowering me to the bed, he had me pressed up against this wall. He was determined I would not run away from him like I had in the past. Little did he know I had no intention of going anywhere.

He pulled my top up over my chest. One hand was against my hip, pinning me to the wall, his other hand gently palmed my breast before he brushed his fingertips softly all around the pink tips, watching, as he gently coaxed the nipple to bursting.

"Has anyone ever touched you here before?" he asked softly, mesmerized.

I knew immediately who he meant.

"No, just you," I told him weakly.

He proudly and possessively devoured the painfully hardened nub with his mouth. I was having a hard time staying on my feet and my legs felt like rubber.

"Jacob," I started sinking, my back skimming the wall behind me.

He grasped me under the arms before I slid too far and buried his face in my neck, sucking hard, bruising the tender pale flesh of my throat. Jacob Black was marking me, staking a claim to what he'd waited so long for.

I felt useless; I wanted to put my hands on him, I wanted to do all the things I had done before and some I hadn't tried yet, but I couldn't seem to do anything but respond to him. My senses were putting my brain on overload and I couldn't think beyond a groan or a moan in pleasure.

Finally, he pulled my body against his and maneuvered me to the bed and boneless, I fell back before his heat completely covered me. His lips were at my breasts again briefly and my head rolled from side to side as his mouth made its way down my belly, kissing my hip bones jutting above my panties. He kissed over my hip, and opening my legs with his palms, he pressed hot kisses against my inner thighs.

"Bella," he murmured.

I was in agony and my body squirmed underneath him, silently begging him to do things I'd never even allowed myself to fantasize about.

"Bella," he moaned again.

It must have been too much for Jacob as well because he yanked the crotch of my panties aside and buried his tongue in me. I had to cover my eyes with my hands and bite my lip so as not to scream and embarrass myself as his tongue swirled and dove, exploring, hunting, discovering.

He growled in frustration before he yanked at my panties and pulled them down my legs and over my feet and shoved them off the bed, immediately resuming the delicious things he'd been doing. I whimpered and pulled one hand free from my face and placed it on his head, threading his silky hair between my fingers.

"I'm not really sure what I'm doing," he murmured, pulling back just long enough to confess.

He flicked his tongue over my swollen, erect nub and my eyes rolled back in my head.

"Is that…?" he questioned me.

"Mmm-hmmm," I moaned, fisting his hair and pulling his face back roughly. _Stop talking_.

He pulled away, and began teasing my thighs again. I whimpered for him to resume what he was doing before. Was he playing with me? I'd gotten a glimpse of this side of Jacob the other night, his animal-driven need for control and sublimation.

"You want me to kiss you there some more?" he murmured against my leg.

I arched my hips in an affirmative toward him.

"I would love nothing more than to kiss you there all night." He whispered, blowing teasingly against my moist, swollen flesh. "Do you like it honey?"

"Mmm-hmmm," I sighed.

"Say it," he coaxed, still blowing, softly stroking the backs of my legs with his fingertips.

"Oh god. I-I like it Jacob. I – oh, please do it some more."

"That's my good girl," he whispered before gently bringing his tongue back where I wanted it, swirling and sucking softly on my engorged bundle.

The warm tingly feeling was rising, intensifying and spreading through my groin. I felt Jacob's index finger gently circling my core, slipping all around and over my opening. I couldn't stop my hips from writhing beneath his face. Just as he circled around and inserted the tip of his finger inside me, I opened one eye and peeked down the length of my body. I could see the top of his head between my parted thighs and his eyes were shut in concentration.

And then I shut my eyes as my body tensed and wave after wave of my orgasm rocked through me.

"Oh Jacob, oh Jacob, oh," I moaned in time with the mini convulsions that struck through my mid-section.

Mercilessly he moved his mouth away from the too sensitive parts of my anatomy and lapped all around them, bringing me down slowly.

When I couldn't stand it any longer, I reached for him, pulling him up so the length of his body covered mine. My insides felt swollen and achy; begging to be filled.

"Jake?" I asked him breathlessly, kissing his lips and tasting myself on his mouth. "Jake?"

"Mmmmm?" I felt him yank his shorts off, and I knew first-hand he was not wearing anything underneath. "What do you want honey? Anything you want."

I couldn't say it. Dammit.

_Tell him what you want!_

I decided I would try to show him instead. I pushed and rolled, so before he knew what hit him, I was on top of him, my legs straddling him, his length against my pubic bone and belly. I took a deep breath and maneuvered myself over him, taking him in my hand and sliding his tip against my hot, slippery entrance.

He gasped and groaned at the same time, making a noise like he was being choked. I rubbed myself blatantly against the head and then led it back to my channel, just pressing it against the opening before going back to the slippery rub again. I teased us both, back and forth and press and back, the presses growing just a smidgeon deeper every time. Jacob started gauging the timing, his hips thrusting upward every time I positioned him against the opening.

He gripped my waist when he couldn't stand it anymore.

"God Bella – I can't - you're killing me. Please."

But I wanted to delay it just a bit. Maybe I was enjoying the sadistic charge of being in control. A year and a half's time of being pushed away by Edward had messed with my head. This newfound power was intoxicating. Edward had never begged for me to do anything but stop.

"Does that feel good?" It was like a new game we were playing together, instead of Go Fish, we could call it Does That Feel Good? I lowered myself onto him, the head slipping inside, disappearing in me. Oh god, I couldn't keep this up. I wanted it. I wanted it deeper. I resisted and just as I rose up to disengage, I was discombobulated as Jacob rolled, pinning me back underneath him.

"Bells, no more games, okay?" he panted. "I want you; I want to make love to you. Right now."

I nodded, breathing heavy before reaching for the back of his head and pulling his mouth down to mine. I felt him reach down between us and line himself back up, then he raised his head, breaking off the kiss.

"Look at me Bella," he whispered, kissing my cheek sweetly. "Look at me."

I opened my eyes and we held each others' gaze as he gently pushed himself into me, oh so slowly. My eyelids fluttered and I fought to keep my eyes open, and on him, as we joined together.

The feeling was so intense, not just the physical part, but the raw emotions as we looked into each others' eyes made it almost too much to bear. It was as if every experience we'd ever had together; all the turmoil, all the angst, all the fun, all the love, every laugh and every tear had climaxed to this moment. All we'd been through together and shared leading us to this surrender to each other. A sense of absolute certainty filled me, a complete knowing that _this_ was right and how it was supposed to be.

I lifted my hips to meet his and a sharp pain took my breath away. Jacob stopped abruptly.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Mm-hmm. Don't stop."

He hesitated and then thrust timidly, afraid of hurting me.

"Harder Jacob," I bit my lip and pushed through the pain, anticipating the other side of it.

He lit kisses across my eyelids as I was no longer able to keep them open till the pain had passed. With a groan, he pushed through until he was completely inside of me. I took a deep breath and relaxed a little as we clung to each other and moved rhythmically, in and out.

It didn't last very long before Jacob tensed and cried out before collapsing on top of me. We both took a minute to catch our breath.

"I'm sorry," he kissed me. "I just – it was so fucking good. Sorry." He grinned one of his light-up-the-whole-room smiles.

"That's okay," I told him honestly. "That's about all I could handle for the first time. It was great, but…it'll be even better next time."

If it was possible his grin got even bigger. "Next time?"

"Well yeah, you don't think I'm done with you already, do you?" I kissed his chest and pushed him slightly, so we were still connected, but side by side with my legs wrapped around him. "Uh-uh, not even close. So get yourself ready for round two."

"Yes ma'am," he tried to look serious, but failed miserably. If it was possible to redeem myself of all the pain I had put Jacob Black through in the past year and a half, this was probably the closest I was ever going to get.

Approximately 10 whole seconds later, he was ready for the second round.

~~RaD~~


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"So maybe now's not a good time to say this, but," Jacob shifted beside me uncomfortably. "We didn't use any protection," he cringed.

"I know and we probably shouldn't ever do that again, but I think we're okay this time." I hesitated before I continued. "My uh, my period is due in a couple days, so… no babies." I felt my cheeks redden and was annoyed at my ability to embarrass over a simple biological function after what had just happened – twice – in this very bed. "And we're both virgins, so no diseases."

"Oh really? And what makes you think we're both virgins? Did I not impress you with my sexual prowess?"

I burst out laughing. "How do you even know that word?"

"I know a lot of things," Jacob grumbled. "What happened to you being positive I had random girls from the rez crawling naked all over me, begging for my services? Was it that obvious that I've never done this before?"

"No," I giggled. "You were great Jake. But you told me your innocence was still intact since the last time I saw you and I believe you. And I think you were a little too busy being a werewolf and running patrols before that to be bedding rez girls. Plus the fact that you've been _madly_ in love with me for the past year."

"Yeah, well. I had a life before I met you Bells."

I pulled back and tried to read his expression in the moonlight. "Are you trying to tell me something Jacob?"

"No," I saw his white teeth flash as he smiled. "Just salvaging my ego. You know me too well. You know it's always been you."

I smiled and snuggled closer. I thought Jacob and I had a bond before tonight, but this forged it even deeper.

It was late, but we couldn't sleep, we were both too keyed up.

"So, I always wanted to ask you something," I murmured against his ribs, gathering my courage.

"How come I'm so good-looking? I don't know. Good genetics?" he joked.

"Ha-ha. No. Do you remember the night we uh, we spent in the sleeping bag?"

"Yeeeeah?"

"What were you thinking? I mean, when you pissed _him_ off? He told you to control your thoughts. What were you thinking?"

"Who me?" he snickered. "I was thinking about….raindrops on flowers and whiskers on puppies or however the heck that song goes."

"No, really Jake, what were you thinking?"

He laughed evilly.

"Jacob!"

"Bella, what do you think I was thinking? Why do you think it pissed the old cockblocker off so much?"

"Jake," I said warningly.

"I was mostly focused on not moving." He confessed. He chuckled again, embarrassed. "I kept thinking 'do not move your hips, do not move your hips. If you dry hump this girl, you are getting kicked out of this sleeping bag so fast!'"

"Yeah, that would have done it," I agreed dryly.

"But then I just wished he'd go away so I could make love to his girlfriend or at least fantasize about it without him listening in. Instead I got stuck having a Father Knows Best heart to heart, with him basically telling me I would never be enough for _you_."

His grip around me tightened. "Guess Leechward didn't know what he was talking about."

He was quiet for a moment.

"Right? I mean, you're not sorry it's me here right now, are you?"

"Oh Jacob," I shook my head, so sad that he would even think that. "For the first time in the last year and a half, I feel safe. And _warm_. And that's not all. I feel…"

"What?"

"What's the opposite of sexually frustrated?"

He laughed. "Hmmm, the opposite of horny? Fulfilled? Satisfied?"

"Yeah," I giggled. "Those two."

"Me too."

There was a rapping noise and I realized it was someone knocking. Was that the front door or was someone knocking on my _window_?

Jacob sat upright.

_Did he just sniff the air? _

"It's Embry."

He reached over the side of the bed and grabbed his shorts and slid out from under the covers so I got a glimpse of his perfect rear end before he pulled them up quickly and started for the window.

"Hold on," he said to the window before turning back to me. "Do you want me to get your robe for you?"

"Yes please. It's hanging on a hook on my closet door."

He removed it from the closet and I put it around me as best I could under the blankets. I wasn't taking a chance on putting it on outside the bed; not with Embry's werewolf eyes just out of sight.

Jake waited for me to slide out of bed and tie my robe before he headed over to let Embry in.

"Doesn't anyone use the front door around here?" I grumbled as Jake slid the window up and Embry stuck his head in.

"Dude – Hey Bella!" Embry leaned against the windowsill. "Dude, Paul's looking for you man. He said you told him he could borrow your car tonight and now he's late for his booty ca-"

Embry looked at me and caught himself, embarrassed. "His _date_. And you know how cranky he gets when he's horn-". Another embarrassed glance at me. "When he's _late_ for a _date_."

"It's one-thirty in the morning, Embry!" Jake exclaimed, exasperated. "Man, he knows I had patrol tonight. When he never came by this afternoon, I thought his _thing_ was cancelled." Jake shook his head in disgust. "Tell him there's a spare key in the blue toolbox on my workbench in the garage."

"Will do."

"And tell Paul he can drive my car, but that does not give him my permission to do _anything else_ in my car!" Jacob shook his head again. "One-thirty in the morning? Man, tell him he's a desperate ho."

"Gotcha," Embry grinned. "What are you two doing?"

"Goodnight Embry," Jacob shoved Embry off the windowsill and we heard him hit the ground with a thud and a "Hey!"

"God, I should just put a doorbell out there," I muttered.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Jacob stuck his head out the window. "How did you know how to find me?"

Embry scowled up at us while brushing pine needles and dead grass off his shorts.

"I followed your scent here. I wouldn't have knocked, honest, but I could hear you both talking, so I knew you were awake and uh, decent." He grinned sheepishly.

"Okay. Get out of here." Jake shut the window firmly.

"Oh god," I moaned.

"What?"

"You guys and your supernatural senses." I shook my head. "I hate to think of what the heck you all can smell."

Jacob laughed. "Trust me Bells. It's better if you don't know. I'm sure that Embry knew what we were doing before I even opened the window. "

I clapped my hands over my ears. "Lalalalalalala! I don't want to know this Jacob!"

"Okay, okay," Jake laughed, pulling me against him. "But you have to believe me – you smell wonderful, honey." He groaned on the word wonderful and it made me all warm all over.

He untied the sash of my robe and pressed his lips to my neck and I reached my arms up around his neck. Third time was the charm.

~~RaD~~

"What the hell?" Jacob's cell phone rang with a text. "This had better be really important," he grumbled.

I glanced at the clock. Only 45 minutes had passed since Embry's interruption at my window.

"Who is it?"

"Embry again," Jake growled.

Jacob dialed a cell number and we both waited.

"If you want to keep your nuts, this better be worth my time."

I was worried. Why would Embry be calling him so soon after just leaving here? Maybe he wrecked the Rabbit?

"What do you mean?"

I sat up as I heard Jake's voice tighten.

"What? What? No! No! No!"

"What's the matter Jake?" My voice shook.

"Don't tell me that, man!" He held his hand up for me to wait a minute. He nodded his head a few times as he listened to Embry on the other end. His eyes were shut and squeezed tight. Oh god, what was going on?

"Uh-huh, uh-huh," he shook his head, resigned. "You could have waited till morning to tell me that, bro. Dammit. Okay, I know. I appreciate the head's up, I guess. Yeah. Goodnight."

"What happened?" I asked as soon as he hung up the phone.

He looked at me as he turned back to face me. It took him a minute to get the words out.

"Paul imprinted."

He waited a beat.

"On my sister."

~~RaD~~

Jacob hadn't really been in the mood to discuss Paul and his sister last night, so I didn't press the issue. Apparently Rachel was the one Paul had been so desperate to see. Now we knew why.

We were still on a high from making love for the first time, but rather than discuss the imprint, we had curled up and gotten some sleep.

I had spent nights in Edward's arms before, but I was usually cold and stiff when I woke up. And that was with a blanket in between us, wrapped multiple times around me.

I woke up this morning a little sweaty and warm, but I had slept like a rock. I never changed position all night long. Needless, to say I felt _good_ this morning. Except for the sore, achy feeling between my legs, like I had been riding a very large horse for hours. Or someone hung like one. I blushed at my own analogy.

"So what do you think your dad will say?"

"My dad's not going to be happy, I'm sure. Paul is not anyone's favorite person to be around. Except for maybe my _sister's_ now."

He took a violent bite out of his toast while I spooned another mouthful of cereal in. I wasn't sure what to say.

"I mean," he continued. "It's bad enough when one of your kids turns into a giant dog, but to have another one of your kids fall in love with one?"

He looked down at the table sadly.

"No," he shook his head. "_This_ is not even like love and that's why it's so fucked up."

He looked over at me apologetically. "Sorry."

"Jake, it's okay."

"No, it's not okay. Nothing about this is okay. Paul and Embry were my last hope." He looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"What do you mean? Last hope for what, baby?"

_Baby?_

That felt good. I'd never called Jacob anything but his given name, or Jake. But it felt good calling him that.

"Imprinting Bella. First Sam, then Jared. And then the abomination of Quil's." He grimaced. "Seth is too young, but Embry and Paul and I never did. And I thought enough time had gone by that we were safe; immune to it somehow."

He dropped his head into his hands in defeat, as they fisted into his short hair. "But I guess we're not," he whispered.

"Jake," I got up from the table and went to him. I gently pulled his hands out of his hair and sat on his lap. "You won't Jacob. I just know you won't." I tried to sound sure of myself, but I really wasn't.

"How do you know?"

Shoot, I had no answer. I was going to have to improvise.

"Because you're the alpha, and no one can give the alpha orders." I forced a grin. "You're the boss, baby,"

"Sam imprinted," he pointed out.

"Sam's an imposter, and the universe knows it. You're the alpha. Plus, maybe the imprinting had to come into play for him. Leah was going to be one of you – how messy would that be? Maybe their relationship had to be stopped so that they wouldn't be distracted while dealing with life and death situations. I mean, how could they focus if Leah was pissed off at Sam for leaving the toilet seat up?"

Jacob huffed a short laugh in spite of himself.

"You're the real alpha," I told him. "You call the shots."

He held my gaze for a long moment. "I hope you're right."

"I am." I nuzzled his cheek and kissed his neck.

"So you're not afraid?" he whispered. "That it will happen to me?"

_Lie_.

"No." I managed to sound like I believed it. But really? I was frightened to death.

~~RaD~~

Jacob was long gone by the time Charlie came home from fishing. He proudly emptied out the ice-chest of gutted and filleted fish and stuck them in freezer bags. There would be enough frozen fish to keep us in fish fry for the next year.

"So what did you do while I was gone?"

Charlie tried to be casual, but I could see the way he kept sneaking peeks at me when he thought I couldn't see. Ever since I told him that the Cullens were gone and the nuptials were off, he wore his concern on his sleeve. He had gone from being thrilled that Edward and I had called off the wedding, to elated that Edward and his family had left town. And then straight to panic that I would fall back into the depression of last year.

"Not much. I worked some hours for Mrs. Newton. And hung out with Jake." I added casually.

"Yeah?" He _tried _to hide his smile. "How is Jake?"

"He's good. He's starting to get around a little. But just for short spurts, then he has to rest," I lied.

"That's good. Kid is damn lucky he didn't break his neck on that motorcycle."

He gave me an I-told-you-so look. "So, I guess he's talking to you now, huh?"

"No, actually we sat and stared at each other. I sent him telepathic messages."

"Smart alec." I could tell Charlie was relieved I was joking. If I could joke, I wasn't catatonic.

After I'd told Charlie about the wedding, he offered to help make all the phone calls. I appreciated it, but there were none to make. I had gotten one email from Alice immediately after the Cullens had left, and that was to tell me she had taken care of the professional calls; the bakery, the dress shop, the hall and the church. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about any of that stuff. I hadn't made the plans and it had completely slipped my mind that someone had to go back and cancel it all. And I guess as penance for leaving, Edward took on the embarrassing task of calling all the guests. I probably should have offered to help, but I didn't. He got to leave town and never see these people again. I, on the other hand, was not going anywhere, so I allowed him to do the dirty work.

It was easier than I thought it would be to let him too, considering I'd probably never see him again. I felt my stomach clench at the thought. I didn't really believe that he would check on me in a few years. He'd merely said that to appease my pain.

"Should I leave some of this out?" Charlie asked as he gestured to the fish.

"Sure." I bent to retrieve a pan from under the stove. It was best to keep myself busy when I felt like this.

~~RaD~~

_Dear Alice, _

_I miss you. I know this is entirely my fault. I just… I miss you._

My index finger was poised on the send button.

_Push it._

What was I doing? I was happy now. I did miss Alice, but she was part of a package deal, and I couldn't have her without _him_ being somehow part of it. If I was being honest, I missed him too. Not enough to marry him and not enough to become immortal, so I knew I had to let him go completely. But still.

_Don't push it_.

I was just going to hit cancel, when the doorbell rang.

Maybe it was Jake!

I hit cancel and erased the whole screen and ran down the stairs. My foot missed the last step and I unceremoniously made a loud _thump_ as I hit the floor. I got back to my feet and walked to the front door, rubbing my sore rear end.

I turned the knob and pulled open the door, a huge smile on my face, expecting Jacob.

"Bella, hi!" Mike Newton stood on my doorstep with a huge bouquet of roses in his hand.

My eyes widened and I stood mutely for a moment as my brain tried to compute what the heck Mike could possibly be doing here. Before my silent stare began to border on rude, I spoke up.

"Hey Mike."

"These are for you," he thrust the dozen red roses bundled in colorful plastic at me.

I looked at the flowers and then back at him, puzzled.

"I don't understand?"

"They're for you."

"Thank you, I got that, but why?"

"Edward called the other day. He told us that the wedding was off. I'm just… I'm really sorry."

"Do you want to come in?"

Mike's face lit up like a kid with a new puppy. "Sure, thanks."

He held out the flowers to me again as he stepped into the front entryway, and I took them from him. They were actually really beautiful. Even Edward had never given me flowers before. It was a sweet gesture. And I prayed that's all it was. A sweet gesture of condolence and nothing more.

"Can I get you something to drink? A soda or a cup of coffee?" I asked, leading him into the kitchen.

"A beer?" he joked.

"Haha. Yeah, the Chief of Police's daughter always keeps beer on hand for her underage friends."

"Yeah, you know what they say about cops' daughters," he grinned. I could see him looking around as I pulled a soda out of the fridge and opened the cupboard over the stove and took down a vase for the flowers.

"I've never been here before," he murmured.

Mike took a seat at the table and opened his soda while I unwrapped the roses and put them in the vase. I didn't quite know what to say; I was a little embarrassed. I hadn't even thought to wonder what Edward was telling people about why the wedding was called off. Thank god Edward wasn't vindictive. It could have gotten ugly, given what he'd caught me doing with Jacob. I shuddered in embarrassment and desire at the memory, then shook it off, appreciating Edward's generosity in forgiving me once again.

I placed the tall glass vase of roses on the table and took a seat across from Mike.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. When Edward called, I was really surprised and a little worried about you too. How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay. I mean, I'm not great of course. But I'm going to be okay."

"I just wanted you to know that I'm here." He leaned closer to me and started to move his hand across the table, like he was going to hold my hand, but then decided not to. My heart started thumping. _Uh oh_. He looked down, like he was suddenly fascinated with the pattern on the place mat in front of him. "I think you know how I've always felt about –"

The back door opened and I was never so happy to see Charlie in my life as he came into the kitchen in his uniform from work. He smiled at me and then did a double-take at Mike, a look of puzzlement on his face.

"Uh, Dad, you remember Mike Newton, right?"

Charlie stared at me for a beat, then back at Mike. "Of course. Mike. Your parents own the sporting goods store." Charlie shook Mike's hand. "Nice to see you."

Mike stood quickly, pumping Charlie's hand enthusiastically. "Chief Swan, really nice to see you, sir."

Charlie squinted. "Where did the flowers come from?"

I grimaced, embarrassed. The broken off wedding was not my favorite topic of conversation, especially with my father. "They're from Mike. Edward called him the other day, about… "

"Oh. That was nice of you, Mike. I'm gonna go change, Bells. Nice seeing you again, son."

Charlie left the room, but not before quirking his eyebrow and giving me a look as if to say "_another one_?" The boys did seem to be coming out of the woodwork lately.

Mike blushed. "Where was I?"

_No_.

"Oh yeah." He grinned sheepishly.

_No_.

This time he reached across the table and took my hand.

_No, no, no, no, no_!

"I know you're gonna need some time to get over this. And you should probably keep yourself busy, so you don't… well you remember what happened last time?"

He was fumbling through this and I was inwardly cringing, knowing where he was going with it and wishing I could just stop him before it was too late.

"And I would um, I would personally love to volunteer to help you stay busy. Maybe this weekend? Maybe we could go to dinner? Or a movie? Or both?" He smiled hesitantly at me and I could see his ears were pink as well as his cheeks.

I sighed internally. Do I tell him about Jacob? Or just tell him I'm not ready to see other people yet? Why add insult to injury? I'd leave Jake out of it. I had to hand it to Mike though, he was persistent. I respected his courage, after getting turned down repeatedly; he was here, up at bat again. He must really have it bad for me. I knew how it felt to want someone so badly and have them remain stubbornly elusive. My heart hurt just a little for him.

"Oh Mike. I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I'm just not ready to see anyone. I really need some time to be alone and kind of map out a plan for myself. See what my options are, make some choices… " I trailed off lamely. "But thanks for the flowers, really." I added as an uncomfortable silence hung between us.

Why did I feel guilty? Mike was a nice guy. I _liked_ Mike. I was just never interested in dating him. I shouldn't feel bad about that. I'd never been anything but nice to him. I admired his courage – the rejection factor alone got my utmost respect. But I was not about to 'pity date' anyone.

"Well," he stood awkwardly, still holding my hand. "I just wanted you to know I was sorry to hear about you and Cullen. But," he grinned and shrugged. "Not so sorry I wouldn't love to help you get over him."

I had to grin at his cheeky honesty.

"Thanks Mike," I told him dryly.

I walked him to the door and he gave me a quick hug.

"If you ever change your mind, Bella, I'll be around. I'm gonna be staying here and helping out with the store while I go to Peninsula."

I nodded my head. "Thanks Mike. I'm sure I'll see you around. Bye."

"Bye Bella."

And I closed the door on my last chance at "normal".

~~RaD~~

"So what did Billy say?" I was idly tracing the muscles of Jake's abdominals, debating on whether I should let him answer my question, or lick said abdominals instead.

"Ha!" he snorted. "What could he say? He knows there's nothing we can do about it. I heard him talking to Sam though. You know how when you imprint, supposedly you become whatever it is that the imprint needs from you – like Quil with Claire? Well, I could hear my dad practically begging Sam to agree with him that Rachel may just want a friend or protector relationship with Paul."

He sighed. "I didn't have the heart to tell him that I found an empty condom wrapper in the Rabbit." He looked at me pointedly. "And it definitely wasn't from me."

"So they're already sleeping together?" I asked, surprised.

"It's a pretty powerful thing Bells, from what they tell me."

"Yeah, but, I thought Rachel gets to call the shots?"

"Are you calling my sister a slut?" Jacob chuckled.

"No! I didn't mean that, I just… that was so fast."

"You know, I don't know why she had to come out here at all. It's not like she's given a damn about me and my dad since she and Becca left. Why couldn't she have come out 4 weeks ago when my dad could have used her help? I mean, I healed within a week pretty much, but she didn't know that! For all she knew, I could have been on my deathbed. My dad told her how serious my injuries were – I heard him tell her on the phone!"

He was starting to yell now. I knew he was upset, but we couldn't afford to wake up Charlie, or these nocturnal overnight visits would be over.

"Sshhh, Charlie," I whispered, placing a finger gently over his lips. "You can't think she doesn't care, Jake?"

"Can't I? The only reason she came out was to go to her friend from high school's wedding. That's it. I wouldn't even kid myself that she gives a crap."

He turned his head away, so I couldn't see his face.

"At least Becca calls once in a while. And I know money is tight, so even if she wanted to, she couldn't afford to come out. And I don't think she really cares either, but at least she plays the game. At least she calls my dad once in a while and even asks to talk to me if I'm around."

I felt so bad. It had always bothered me that Jake had no one but Billy to take care of him. And while I knew Billy would do anything in the world for Jake, it wasn't the same as having a mother. And his sisters seemed to just rub salt into the wound, abandoning them both like they did. I thought Becca and Rachel were both really selfish, but I didn't believe that they didn't love Jacob. Who could not love Jacob? But it didn't really matter what I believed. Jake felt alone.

I pressed myself closer to him and kissed his cheek. He had stood by me through depression, danger and heartbreak.

"You're not alone. I love you." I turned his head to look at me. "You've got me."

~~RaD~~

A/N: So there's only one more chapter left. Leaves me feeling a little sad. Please leave me a review. It would make me feel much better. Thanks!


	8. Chapter 8

_**Note**__: When I first posted this chapter back in February of this year, I made it the Alternate ending. Upon going back recently and re-reading Reality and Dreams, I decided that I much preferred this ending. So I am officially changing it. This is now "the ending" and I will add the other Alternate as well, so you can read that __**after**__ reading this. Which I hope you will, if only out of curiosity._

_I will give you what I did not give my previous readers: a warning. The Alternate ending is __**not**__ a HEA. It is dark and surprising. _

_**This**__ is the ending that Jacob deserves. And so he shall have it. _

Chapter Eight

"God, look at him. He's a baby. He's barely old enough to drink."

"Yeah, but it takes about 2 six-packs and a quart of tequila to get him drunk, so… "

"So what's your point Jacob? He still looks like a baby."

I could see Seth's hand was shaking as he slipped the ring on the new Mrs. Clearwater's finger. She looked beautiful in her white lace gown. She was a tiny little thing, but nothing fazed her. Pun intended. She held her own with Seth and with the pack.

She was an outsider and Seth never imprinted, so there was a huge debate with the elders on whether she should be told about Seth's "abilities". But since all the boys had stopped phasing after the Cullens left, they had decided no, there was no reason to. If an event should occur in the future, they would deal with it if and when it happened.

That decision had been made 6 months ago, right after the engagement. Before The Incident.

~~RaD~~

About 3 months ago I had been out with Angela and her cousin, Lily. Lily, by the way, is Seth's fiancé, who both met at Jake's and my place one night.

Anyway, Angela and Ben were long over and Angela was engaged to a man she had met at her job. He was a lawyer and Angela was going to law school and working as a paralegal at the same firm. Where, incidentally, I was also employed as a paralegal. Angela, Lily and I had gone to see a movie and stopped for coffee afterward, so I got home a little late.

It was just after eleven and I was surprised to see Jacob was fast asleep on our bed. The first thing we had done after moving into our own place was buy the biggest bed we could find. There's minimal walking space around our tiny bedroom with all the square footage our bed takes up. And his feet _still_ managed to hang off the edge some nights.

His face looked so sweet as he was lying there. His hands were tucked underneath his cheek as he laid on his right side. His body on the other hand, looked anything but sweet, all coppery smooth and hard. I debated for half a second on whether to let him sleep or ravish him and figured if he'd had a choice in the matter, he would tell me to ravish him.

I hung my pants and blouse up quietly, leaving me in just my bra and panties. Ever since our first encounter with me in Victoria's Secret, it was all I wore now. You don't mess with success.

I crawled onto the foot of the bed and made my way over his body, straddling him.

"Hey baby," I whispered, kissing his eyelids softly.

I saw his lips languidly turn up into a smile before his eyes opened and he reached up and rolled onto his back, pulling me down against him.

We kissed lazily, enjoying the feel of our bodies against each other. It had been a little over five years since Jake had phased and his body temperature had dropped back to normal, but he always managed to be warm compared to me. I still used him as my personal space heater.

"How was the movie?" He murmured against my lips, running his hands up and down my back.

"I'll tell you later." I pushed my weight to the side and he let me flip us over, putting me back on top.

"Okay," he mumbled, more interested in unhooking the clasp on my bra. He pulled it down my arms and tossed it to the side.

"Mmmm," he pulled me flat against him, then raised my body up, bringing his chin down so his mouth could catch my breast.

He felt like a steel rod against my pelvis already and I moved down his body languidly, trailing my tongue teasingly over all his weak spots. The hard muscles of his pecs and abs were particularly sensitive. But not as receptive to the tricks my mouth could play a little lower. I nuzzled his length through his boxers. I pulled them back and Jacob sprung free. I licked him from base to tip before engulfing the head in my mouth. He still squirmed, even after all these years. And I still loved going down on him. But I had other plans for him, so after a few minutes of warming him up with my tongue, I eased his boxers back in place and made my way up the length of his body and rubbed myself rhythmically against his cock, through our underwear. After just a few strokes, he reached down and gripped my backside in his palms and pulled my panties down. I raised up slightly as he eased them off me and threw them to the side. I sat back down and instead of Jacob, I felt the cotton of his boxers against my crotch. Those needed to come off for good. Now.

I pulled the elastic back and freed his erection again, then tugged them all the way off.

"Mmm-hmm," he hummed as I took him in my hand, guided him toward me and slowly sat down on his length. I had never been with anyone else but Jacob, but I knew no one could fill me so completely, so torturously full, as him. I moved on top of him for a few minutes before he flipped us back again and lifted my legs up over his shoulders and drove himself in deep, all the way to the hilt.

"Oh god. That's… so good." That's what I loved about having our own place: I could moan as loud as I wanted and no one would hear. And when Jacob Black pounded his length into you, trust me, you had to moan.

Every one of his thrusts made me cry out as he hit something so deep inside me.

"Come on, honey," he coaxed me, nuzzling my neck, then biting gently, the way I loved.

Years of practice had perfected our knowledge of what the other wanted and needed for complete satisfaction.

"Faster Jake," I whined.

He pumped deep and fast and the friction felt so good as he moved in and out. And then my body peaked and crashed and convulsed around him over and over again. I felt him tense and then he groaned and collapsed on top of me.

"See, you should have stayed home tonight," he pouted a few minutes later, kissing my ear before nibbling on my earlobe. "That could have been our fifth time tonight instead of our first."

"I do have to walk tomorrow Jake, I have to go to work," I chuckled. "But it's tempting."

"Aw, walking is over-rated. We could just stay right here and never get off the bed. I'd find ways to keep you busy."

"I bet you would," I giggled. "But how would we eat? And we'd start to stink."

"Okay, we would be allowed bathroom breaks and showers. And trips to the refrigerator. But that's all."

"Yeah, right. How would you buy me birthday and Christmas presents?"

"The internet."

"How would we get food?"

"Emily and the internet."

"How would we keep in touch with our friends?"

"_The internet_," I mimicked along with him, before hitting him in the head with a pillow.

The phone rang and broke up the beginning of our giggling wrestling match.

"Hello?" Jake answered the phone next to our bedside. I wondered briefly who it could be as hardly anyone ever called us on the house phone, except for Charlie and Billy.

_And Sam_.

Jake's expression froze on his face and he sat bolt upright. My heart started pounding instinctually at his reaction.

Before hanging up the phone, Jake choked out, "I'll be right there."

"I hope I can still do this shit," he murmured, jumping up from the bed. He looked confused, looking back and forth and starting to remove his shirt, then stopping as he realized he was naked already.

"What's going on Jacob?" I was panicking.

He looked at me blankly for a moment and then blinked dazedly a couple times.

"Vampires," he breathed. "On our lands. They think there's five of them. Maybe more."

"I've got to go," he said, heading for the door. I grabbed my robe from my closet and ran after him down the hallway toward the front door.

We were renting a small cottage not far from my dad's house in Forks. We rented from a wealthy family who owned the land and a much larger house on their 1,000 acre plot. Luckily we were pretty secluded here, and no one saw my naked husband run out the door and freeze in his tracks.

I almost ran into his back when he stopped so suddenly. He turned to face me.

"I don't know if I can still do it," he whispered to me in a panic. "I don't know if I remember how."

I grabbed him by the shoulders. "You can do this. Look at me."

He moved his glazed stare from somewhere in the distance to my eyes.

"Remember when I wanted to be one of them? Remember when I was going to let Edward – no, remember when I _begged_ Edward to bite me and make me one of them?"

I felt his shoulders start trembling under my hands. I heard his breathing hitch and his jaw hardened.

"Remember what they felt like? Cold and hard and dead. They wanted to drink my blood. They fought against their basic nature to rip my throat open and suck the life right out of me."

He was almost there, I could feel it. "Remember what they smelled like?"

It was working. His body began quaking and he threw me back away from him so hard, I hit the ground as he took off running toward the trees. I looked up just in time to see him leap into the air and explode, as a giant russet colored wolf took his place.

I immediately ran into the house and called Emily. She had no idea what was going on. She'd been home cooking dinner for her and Sam and little Alex while Sam and Jared had gone fishing for the day. She expected him home for dinner and when he didn't return by 8:00, she got worried. She called Kim, who hadn't heard from Jared either and the two of them kept each other company on the phone to relieve each others' panic.

Finally, about 10:15, Emily got a call from Sam. She said she hadn't heard him like that in a long, long time. He was abrupt, authoritative and quick; in total alpha mode. She told me that all he said was that he and Jared were both okay, but there were at least five vampires on their lands by the river where they were fishing and to call the pack and tell them to get their asses in wolf form pronto. He would take over from there.

Dear god, I thought we were through with all this. Scenes from long ago began flashing through my mind. The Cullens - Edward and I lying in the meadow - cold, hard, closed-mouth kisses – Edward and I huddled as close as was comfortably possible, with me wrapped in blankets and still shivering from the cold.

I began shaking with nerves.

What if Jacob wasn't as strong as he used to be? He hadn't done this in a long time. Five vampires were a lot and I didn't know how many of the pack were out there helping. I did a mental head count: Sam and Jared and Jake were there for sure. Colin, Brady, Paul, Seth, Embry and Quil. Possibly ten of them at best. Oh, and Leah. That makes 11.

The last time there had been a battle of this size, Jacob had been hurt badly. Please god, I prayed, just bring Jacob home in one piece. I'll never ask for anything ever again.

I walked the kitchen floor all night. Periodically I opened the kitchen door and ran out toward the trees trying to see or hear _something_. But the forest was quiet.

My mind jumped all over to images from the past to present day throughout the night. From the girl I'd been at 18, to the woman I was now, at 24. Had I really changed that much? Maybe. Maybe not.

Finally, about 7:30 in the morning, my phone rang. I dove so fast for it; I fell onto the kitchen table, hitting the 'talk' button on my way down.

"Jacob?"

"I'm okay Bells." He sounded so tired. But he was speaking, he was able to call me, so he must be alright.

"Where are you? Did you get hurt? What happened?"

"Whoa honey, one question at a time. I'm fine. I'm getting too old for this shit, but I'm fine."

"You're not old, you're 22, you jerk."

"Come to Emily's. She's making everyone breakfast. The guys are all fine. By the time you get here, there won't be a scratch or a bruise on us."

"I'll be right there." I started to hang up. "Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, honey."

~~RaD~~

"I now pronounce you man and wife." Reverend Weber smiled before telling Seth, "You may now kiss the bride."

Which Seth did; with gusto. The kiss went on so long; the guests were beginning to snicker.

"Son? Son, that is my niece. Behave yourself and wait till you get her home tonight." Reverend Weber chastised Seth, fighting back a good-natured grin.

Seth smirked self-consciously as he and Lily turned toward the crowd before making the descent down the altar steps and out to the reception area.

"She looks so beautiful," I murmured, watching her and Seth sail by with happy smiles on both their faces.

"Not as beautiful as you did." Jacob put his arm around me, pulling me closer.

"Well, ours was a lot more casual."

"And a lot better," Jake added.

"Yeah," I nodded. I had to agree. Our wedding had been perfect. A rare sunny day last June on First Beach. Less than 50 guests and the reception at Charlie's favorite diner, where I spent many a night eating when I didn't feel up to cooking. They gave my dad a great deal.

Had it only been a year ago? Time flies when you're having fun.

And except for the incident 3 months ago, we _were_ having fun. Patrols were run strictly for the 2 months post vampire attack, but nothing had been seen since. So Lily was still in the dark about the whole escapade. Which was probably for the best. I knew from experience, sometimes ignorance was bliss. The last couple weeks, patrols were scaled back and by next month, if all remained clear, would be stopped.

The guests were beginning to file out as the bride and groom were finished with church photos and everyone was headed to the reception. Jake and I were one of the last people to make our way out. Jake was very curious and checking out all the stained glass windows and the sculptures near the altar. I was a few feet ahead of him when I heard him call me excitedly.

"Bells! Look!" He had opened one of the doors along the wall, underneath the multi-faceted stained glass of the Virgin Mary and a multitude of angels.

"Jacob!" I wandered back toward him to whack him. "That's a confessional, get out of there."

"What do you do in there?"

"You confess your sins to the priest."

A wicked grin spread across his face. "I confess I'd like to fuck you in there."

"Jacob Black! You're going straight to hell!"

"Aw Bells, I'm going to Hell anyway. Come on," he pulled me in, laughing.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned….

~~RaD~~

Our late arrival to the reception went unnoticed. Paul and Rachel saved us a seat at their table along with Sam and Emily and Billy. Imprinting had a strange softening effect on Paul, and Rachel seemed to draw out the best in him. His combative nature waned over time and he and Jacob were closer now. Holidays sometimes were tense, long periods of time in close quarters together were pushing it. But in small spurts, the two of them could enjoy each others' company. Rachel moved back to La Push to be with Paul and Billy made the effort to bring Jake and his sister closer. He took every opportunity to include her in dinners and just plain old hanging out.

"Where's the grub, man? I'm hungry."

"Paul, sweetie, you're always hungry." Rachel rolled her eyes at us.

Yes, apparently even imprinted couples bickered occasionally.

We'd missed the bride and groom's first dance, but they had hired a dj and guests were dancing out on the floor.

"Come on," Jake took my hand and gestured toward the dance floor.

"No Jake. Maybe a slow one."

"Alright," he kissed the tip of my nose. "Hmm, this might help my cause." He reached across the table to a glass of champagne in front of my place setting. All the fluted crystal glasses at the table were filled with the bubbly, amber liquid.

"Aren't we supposed to wait till the toast at dinner before we drink these?"

"Eh," he smiled. "We'll tell them ours were empty. What are they gonna do? Throw us out?"

"If they keep re-filling these, they might have to!"

He leaned in close and put his lips to my ear. "Honey, I will personally carry you out, take you home, get all your clothes off and put you straight to bed. So drink up," he winked.

Some things never change. I had done every thing imaginable with this man without our clothes on and some I think we even made up ourselves, but I _still_ blushed crimson when he looked me in the eyes and said things like that.

"Cheers," I tapped his glass.

"May Seth be as in love with Lily as I am with the girl who brought me two beat-up bikes to fix for her all those years ago because she knew I had mad skills working with my hands."

"You still have mad skills with your hands," I giggled. "Even better with your mouth."

Now it was Jake's turn to turn pink, but I could tell he was proud – of _all_ his mad skills.

"Cheers"

"Come on," he reached out to take my hand. I threw back the rest of my champagne and let him lead me to the dance floor.

~~RaD~~

I stood alongside our bed, bent over and with my head upside down as I brushed out my long hair. I stood upright and flipped it back and it fell into a thick halo around my shoulders and down my back.

"I think that's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life."

"I do this every night, you dork," I laughed.

"And it just gets sexier and sexier every time. Do you practice that or something?"

"No, you're just drunk." I put my brush back in my dresser drawer and tripped over my own feet, falling onto the side of the bed.

"Who's drunk, honey?" Jacob laughed.

"Did you see Paul out on the floor trying to make Rachel freak dance?" I shrieked in laughter at the memory. "Now _he_ was drunk!"

"Yeah, but the best part was when Embry pulled Rach aside and _he_ started freak dancing with him!"

"And Paul was so wasted; he didn't even notice it was Embry for a good five minutes!"

Jacob and I were laughing so hard, we couldn't breathe.

Finally, we both settled down and I sighed as I lay back against the pillows next to him.

"Jacob?" I looked over at him worriedly.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I confessed enough today."

He looked at me blankly.

"I think I'm still feeling penitent. I think I have a few more confessions to make." I couldn't keep a straight face anymore and I could see the light bulb go off over his head as he realized I was talking about our little tete a tete in the confessional at the church earlier.

"Really? Well you should definitely get all that off your chest, honey." he straight-faced.

"I think so too," I pulled myself up and crawled over him; I lowered my head to his throat and kissed him lingeringly, making my way down toward his chest.

"See?" I whispered. "I'm still feeling very sinful."

"Tell me all about it, my child," he played along, his voice getting husky.

"Well, I'm not very good with words, Father. Let me show you."

I heard Jacob groan as my mouth made its way down his body.

~~RaD~~

One of the side effects of having such a huge bed and having a husband who was back to measuring in at over one hundred and eight degrees again, was that sometimes when we woke up in the morning, you could fit a small country in between us. In the winter, it was heaven. But during the warmer months it was stifling.

So I was surprised and a little discombobulated when I woke up only an hour after Jacob and I had finished making love, shivering and covered in goose bumps. I glanced over at Jake and he was curled up on his side, facing me, sound asleep.

I automatically burrowed under the covers and slid closer to him, seeking his warmth. He reached out in his sleep as I came close and pulled my back against his chest, murmuring incoherently. I would have been happy to just shut my eyes now that I was enveloped in Jacob's heat, but I was awake enough for the chill that I felt in the room to bother me.

The bedroom door was closed and I hadn't turned the air conditioner on in weeks. My eyes slowly scanned the whole room, looking for the cold source. My gaze passed again over the double set of corner windows.

The window was open.

I drew in a quick, sharp breath and my heart began pounding. He was crouched down, his eyes staring straight into mine, a crooked smile on his perfect, pale 17 year old face. I only saw him for a split second and then he disappeared.

I laid there for a long time, waiting to see if he would come back. He didn't.

I felt a tear slide down my face and hit the pillow with a 'plunk' and yet there was a smile on my face and a bittersweet sadness tinged with joyful gratitude at where I was right now and whose arms I was wrapped so securely in.

I decided I should get up and shut the window though. So I disentangled myself as gently as I could from Jacob's tight embrace. He rolled over and murmured something as I got up from the bed and made my way to the window.

I stared out at the trees and wondered if he was out there and what he was thinking. I wondered if he was happy. I hoped he was. I wished I could have spoken to him. Thanked him for making the hardest decision in my life for me and being so gracious and noble about it.

But all the forest offered me was silence and shadows.

"Goodbye Edward," I whispered. I knew if he was there, he could hear me. I forced a smile, though a few tears ran down my cheeks. And then I shut the window.

As I turned back toward my bed, something white stood out against the stark redwood floor. I bent to pick it up.

"What are you doing, honey?" Jacob mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Come back to bed."

"I forgot to shut the window and it was getting chilly," I fibbed. "I'm gonna use the bathroom, I'll be right back."

I flipped the lightswitch on in the master bath and looked at the familiar white lace handkerchief in my hand. I recognized it immediately as the one that Edward gave me to use to wipe my tear-stained face with so many years ago.

But there was something else, the handkerchief was wrapped around something; a piece of lilac paper.

_**I told you I would check on you, love. I once predicted that you would be thankful with the way that things turned out, and I can see that I was right. I'm happy you're happy. Just as you should be. Please know that I will always care and if you should ever need me, I will remain available and forever at your contact. And know that you are still as beautiful as ever. **_

There was no signature, but it was unnecessary. I still had the email address he had given me for Alice and I assumed that was what he was referring to as a contact. He must have maintained it all these years, just in case.

I wrapped the note back up in the handkerchief, not sure what I should do with it. I would tell Jacob about my nocturnal visitor in the morning. I had absolutely no idea how he would react. But I would reassure him if he was upset, comfort him if he was angry, or just make it a point of interesting conversation if it was no big deal.

I turned out the bathroom light and tucked the cloth covered note into my bureau before crawling back into bed with Jacob.

I pulled the covers back over me, shivering slightly, as Jake reached out and pulled me back firmly against his chest.

"I love you, Bells," he murmured, kissing the back of my shoulder before effortlessly falling back into a sound sleep.

I glanced over at the window one last time, and then shut my eyes with a small, content smile.

"I love you too, Jake."

~~RaD~~

_A/N: Ahh, Jake and Bells. That's how it should be! _

_Now go read the Alternate ending and tell me what you think. I dare you. LOL_


	9. Chapter 9

_Note: This chapter is exactly the same as the previous, up until Jacob and Bella arrive at the wedding reception, just after their rendezvous in the confessional at the church. _

Alternate Ending

"God, look at him. He's a baby. He's barely old enough to drink."

"Yeah, but it takes about 2 six-packs and a quart of tequila to get him drunk, so… "

"So what's your point Jacob? He still looks like a baby."

I could see Seth's hand was shaking as he slipped the ring on the new Mrs. Clearwater's finger. She looked beautiful in her white lace gown. She was a tiny little thing, but nothing fazed her. Pun intended. She held her own with Seth and with the pack.

She was an outsider and Seth never imprinted, so there was a huge debate with the elders on whether she should be told about Seth's "abilities". But since all the boys had stopped phasing after the Cullens left, they had decided no, there was no reason to. If an event should occur in the future, they would deal with it if and when it happened.

That decision had been made 6 months ago, right after the engagement.

Before 'The Incident'.

~~RaD~~

About 3 months ago I had been out with Angela and her cousin, Lily. Lily, by the way, is Seth's fiancé, who both met at Jake's and my place one night.

Anyway, Angela and Ben were long over and Angela was engaged to a man she had met at her job. He was a lawyer and Angela was going to law school and working as a paralegal at the same firm. Where, incidentally, I was also working as a paralegal. Angela, Lily and I had gone to see a movie and stopped for coffee afterward, so I got home a little late.

It was just after eleven and I was surprised to see Jacob was fast asleep on our bed. The first thing we had done after moving into our own place was buy the biggest bed we could find. There's minimal walking space around our tiny bedroom with all the square footage our bed takes up. And his feet _still_ managed to hang off the edge some nights.

His face looked so sweet as he was lying there. His hands were tucked underneath his cheek as he laid on his right side. His body on the other hand, looked anything but sweet, all coppery smooth and hard. I debated for half a second on whether to let him sleep or ravish him and figured if he'd had a choice in the matter, he would tell me to ravish him.

I hung my pants and blouse up quietly, leaving me in just my bra and panties. Ever since our first encounter with me in Victoria's Secret, it was all I wore now. You don't mess with success.

I crawled onto the foot of the bed and made my way over his body, straddling him.

"Hey baby," I whispered, kissing his eyelids softly.

I saw his lips languidly turn up into a smile before his eyes opened and he reached up and rolled onto his back, pulling me down against him.

We kissed lazily, enjoying the feel of our bodies against each other. It had been a little over five years since Jake had phased and his body temperature had dropped back to normal, but he always managed to be warm compared to me. I still used him as my personal space heater.

"How was the movie?" He murmured against my lips, running his hands up and down my back.

"I'll tell you later." I pushed my weight to the side and he let me flip us over, putting me back on top.

"Okay," he mumbled, more interested in unhooking the clasp on my bra. He pulled it down my arms and tossed it to the side.

"Mmmm," he pulled me flat against him, then raised my body up, bringing his chin down so his mouth could catch my breast.

He felt like a steel rod against my pelvis already and I moved down his body languidly, trailing my tongue teasingly over all his weak spots. The hard muscles of his pecs and abs were particularly sensitive. But not as receptive to the tricks my mouth could play a little lower. I nuzzled his length through his boxers. I pulled them back and Jacob sprung free. I licked him from base to tip before engulfing the head in my mouth. He still squirmed, even after all these years. And I still loved going down on him. But I had other plans for him, so after a few minutes of warming him up with my tongue, I eased his boxers back in place and made my way up the length of his body and rubbed myself rhythmically against his cock, through our underwear. After just a few strokes, he reached down and gripped my backside in his palms and pulled my panties down. I raised up slightly as he eased them off me and threw them to the side. I sat back down and instead of Jacob, I felt the cotton of his boxers against my crotch. Those needed to come off for good. Now.

I pulled the elastic back and freed his erection again, then tugged them all the way off.

"Mmm-hmm," he hummed as I took him in my hand, guided him toward me and slowly sat down on his length. I had never been with anyone else but Jacob, but I knew no one could fill me so completely, so torturously full, as him. I moved on top of him for a few minutes before he flipped us back again and lifted my legs up over his shoulders and drove himself in deep, all the way to the hilt.

"Oh god. That's… so good." That's what I loved about having our own place: I could moan as loud as I wanted and no one would hear. And when Jacob Black pounded his length into you, trust me, you had to moan.

Every one of his thrusts made me cry out as he hit something so deep inside me.

"Come on, honey," he coaxed me, nuzzling my neck, then biting gently, the way I loved.

Years of practice had perfected our knowledge of what the other wanted and needed for complete satisfaction.

"Faster Jake," I whined.

He pumped deep and fast and the friction felt so good as he moved in and out. And then my body peaked and crashed and convulsed around him over and over again. I felt him tense and then he groaned and collapsed on top of me.

"See, you should have stayed home tonight," he pouted a few minutes later, kissing my ear before nibbling on my earlobe. "That could have been our fifth time tonight instead of our first."

"I do have to walk tomorrow Jake, I have to go to work," I chuckled. "But it's tempting."

"Aw, walking is over-rated. We could just stay right here and never get off the bed. I'd find ways to keep you busy."

"I bet you would," I giggled. "But how would we eat? And we'd start to stink."

"Okay, we would be allowed bathroom breaks and showers. And trips to the refrigerator. But that's all."

"Yeah, right. How would you buy me birthday and Christmas presents?"

"The internet."

"How would we get food?"

"Emily and the internet."

"How would we keep in touch with our friends?"

"_The internet_," I mimicked along with him, before hitting him in the head with a pillow.

The phone rang and broke up the beginning of our giggling wrestling match.

"Hello?" Jake answered the phone next to our bedside. I wondered briefly who it could be as hardly anyone ever called us on the house phone, except for Charlie and Billy.

_And Sam_.

Jake's expression froze on his face and he sat bolt upright. My heart started pounding instinctually at his reaction.

Before hanging up the phone, Jake choked out, "I'll be right there."

"I hope I can still do this shit," he murmured, jumping up from the bed. He looked confused, looking back and forth and starting to remove his shirt, then stopping as he realized he was naked already.

"What's going on Jacob?" I was panicking.

He looked at me blankly for a moment and then blinked dazedly a couple times.

"Vampires," he breathed. "On our lands. They think there's five of them. Maybe more."

"I've got to go," he said, heading for the door. I grabbed my robe from my closet and ran after him down the hallway toward the front door.

We were renting a small cottage not far from my dad's house in Forks. We rented from a wealthy family who owned the land and a much larger house on their 1,000 acre plot. Luckily we were pretty secluded here, and no one saw my naked husband run out the door and freeze in his tracks.

I almost ran into his back when he stopped so suddenly. He turned to face me.

"I don't know if I can still do it," he whispered to me in a panic. "I don't know if I remember how."

I grabbed him by the shoulders. "You can do this. Look at me."

He moved his glazed stare from somewhere in the distance to my eyes.

"Remember when I wanted to be one of them? Remember when I was going to let Edward – no, remember when I _begged_ Edward to bite me and make me one of them?"

I felt his shoulders start trembling under my hands. I heard his breathing hitch and his jaw hardened.

"Remember what they felt like? Cold and hard and dead. They wanted to drink my blood. They fought against their basic nature to rip my throat open and suck the life right out of me."

He was almost there, I could feel it. "Remember what they smelled like?"

It was working. His body began quaking and he threw me back away from him so hard, I hit the ground as he took off running toward the trees. I looked up just in time to see him leap into the air and explode, as a giant russet colored wolf took his place.

I immediately ran into the house and called Emily. She had no idea what was going on. She'd been home cooking dinner for her and Sam and little Alex while Sam and Jared had gone fishing for the day. She expected him home for dinner and when he didn't return by 8:00, she got worried. She called Kim, who hadn't heard from Jared either and the two of them kept each other company on the phone to relieve each others' panic.

Finally, about 10:15, Emily got a call from Sam. She said she hadn't heard him like that in a long, long time. He was abrupt, authoritative and quick; in total alpha mode. She told me that all he said was that he and Jared were both okay, but there were at least five vampires on their lands by the river where they were fishing and to call the pack and tell them to get their asses in wolf form pronto. He would take over from there.

Dear god, I thought we were through with all this. Scenes from long ago began flashing through my mind. The Cullens - Edward and I lying in the meadow - cold, hard, closed-mouth kisses – Edward and I huddled as close as was comfortably possible, with me wrapped in blankets and still shivering from the cold.

I began shaking with nerves.

What if Jacob wasn't as strong as he used to be? He hadn't done this in a long time. Five vampires were a lot and I didn't know how many of the pack were out there helping. I did a mental head count: Sam and Jared and Jake were there for sure. Colin, Brady, Paul, Seth, Embry and Quil. Possibly ten of them at best. Oh, and Leah. That makes 11.

The last time there had been a battle of this size, Jacob had been hurt badly. Please god, I prayed, just bring Jacob home in one piece. I'll never ask for anything ever again.

I walked the kitchen floor all night. Periodically I opened the kitchen door and ran out toward the trees trying to see or hear _something_. But the forest was quiet.

My mind jumped all over to images from the past to present day throughout the night. From the girl I'd been at 18, to the woman I was now, at 24. Had I really changed that much? Maybe. Maybe not.

Finally, about 7:30 in the morning, my phone rang. I dove so fast for it; I fell onto the kitchen table, hitting the 'talk' button on my way down.

"Jacob?"

"I'm okay Bells." He sounded so tired. But he was speaking, he was able to call me, so he must be alright.

"Where are you? Did you get hurt? What happened?"

"Whoa honey, one question at a time. I'm fine. I'm getting too old for this shit, but I'm fine."

"You're not old, you're 22, you jerk."

"Come to Emily's. She's making everyone breakfast. The guys are all fine. By the time you get here, there won't be a scratch or a bruise on us."

"I'll be right there." I started to hang up. "Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, honey."

~~RaD~~

"I now pronounce you man and wife." Reverend Weber smiled before telling Seth, "You may now kiss the bride."

Which Seth did; with gusto. The kiss went on so long; the guests were beginning to snicker.

"Son? Son, that is my niece. Behave yourself and wait till you get her home tonight." Reverend Weber chastised Seth, fighting back a good-natured grin.

Seth smirked self-consciously as he and Lily turned toward the crowd before making the descent down the altar steps and out to the reception area.

"She looks so beautiful," I murmured, watching her and Seth sail by with happy smiles on both their faces.

"Not as beautiful as you did." Jacob put his arm around me, pulling me closer.

"Well, ours was a lot more casual."

"And a lot better," Jake added.

"Yeah," I nodded. I had to agree. Our wedding had been perfect. A rare sunny day last June on First Beach. Less than 50 guests and the reception at Charlie's favorite diner, where I spent many a night eating, when I didn't feel up to cooking. They gave my dad a great deal.

Had it only been a year ago? Time flies when you're having fun.

And except for the incident 3 months ago, we _were_ having fun. Patrols were run strictly for the 2 months post vampire attack, but nothing had been seen since. So Lily was still in the dark about the whole escapade. Which was probably for the best. I knew from experience, sometimes ignorance was bliss. The last couple weeks, patrols were scaled back and by next month, if all remained clear, would be stopped.

The guests were beginning to file out as the bride and groom were finished with church photos and everyone was headed to the reception. Jake and I were one of the last people to make our way out. Jake was very curious and checking out all the stained glass windows and the sculptures near the altar. I was a few feet ahead of him when I heard him call me excitedly.

"Bells! Look!" He had opened one of the doors along the wall, underneath the multi-faceted stained glass of the Virgin Mary and a multitude of angels.

"Jacob!" I wandered back toward him to whack him. "That's a confessional, get out of there."

"What do you do in there?"

"You confess your sins to the priest."

A wicked grin spread across his face. "I confess I'd like to fuck you in there."

"Jacob Black! You're going straight to hell!"

"Aw Bells, I'm going to Hell anyway. Come on," he pulled me in, laughing.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned….

~~RaD~~

Our late arrival to the reception went unnoticed. Paul and Rachel saved us a seat at their table along with Sam and Emily and Billy. Imprinting had a strange softening effect on Paul, and Rachel seemed to draw out the best in him. His combative nature waned over time and he and Jacob were closer now. Holidays sometimes were tense, long periods of time in close quarters together were pushing it. But in small spurts, the two of them could enjoy each others' company. Rachel moved back to La Push to be with Paul and Billy made the effort to bring Jake and his sister closer. He took every opportunity to include her in dinners and just plain old hanging out.

"Where's the grub, man? I'm hungry."

"Paul, sweetie, you're always hungry." Rachel rolled her eyes at us.

Yes, apparently even imprinted couples bickered occasionally.

We'd missed the bride and groom's first dance, but they had hired a dj and guests were dancing out on the floor.

"Come on," Jake took my hand and gestured toward the dance floor.

"No Jake. Maybe a slow one."

"Alright," he kissed the tip of my nose.

I saw a young woman with long dark hair that I'd never seen before coming toward our table. She looked confused and a little out of place. Paul followed my gaze and saw the woman I was looking at.

"Oh! That's Lana." Paul gently elbowed Rachel. "Sweetie, Lana came."

Rachel stood up and waved her arm at the girl, gesturing next to her at the empty seat she'd saved her. I looked curiously at Paul.

"That's Rach's best friend, Lana. She moved to Port Angeles after high school to go to college."

Lana saw Rachel and looked relieved as she smiled at her and started toward our table.

I was just going to ask Jacob if he knew her, but he was watching the couples on the dance floor and probably waiting for a slow song so we could dance.

I watched his face as Lana pulled the chair back to sit down and he turned toward the noise. He looked straight at her and at first I thought he remembered her. But his eyes glazed and emotions I'd never seen before flickered over his face. Emotions that frightened me. Reverence, worship, _love_.

I couldn't suck in a breath as the force of recognition at what was happening literally knocked the wind out of me. I jumped up from the table and knocked two water glasses over. Jacob turned to me and looked at me like he didn't even know me.

**NO!**

I'd always wondered if I'd know when it happened. Now I knew. It was so blatantly obvious, there was no way not to know. The raw emotions on his face would forever leave blood-soaked gashes on my soul.

I got up from the table and walked out the door and never looked back.

~~RaD~~

Almost two years passed and while I never allowed myself to fall back into that depressive oblivion of my 18th year, I barely hung on. If it weren't for work, I wouldn't know what to live for. I would certainly never give my heart away to another man again.

After Seth's wedding, I filed for divorce. I hoped Jacob would fight me on it. I hoped he would tell me _I_ was the one, _would always_ be the one and he would fight the imprint.

But he didn't. I refused to speak to him for 3 months. He'd called me every day the first month and then sporadically after that. Needless to say, I usually hung up on him.

I finally agreed to meet him for coffee. I got there first and ordered an Americano and found a table in the back where we could talk privately. As I made my way to the back, I caught sight of my reflection in a mirror that hung against the back wall. My first thought was, _who is that old woman? She looks familiar_.

It was at that moment, Jacob bounded through the door. He, of course, looked amazing.

He ordered a drink and a few scones and joined me in the back. He apologized profusely, but the whole time he fidgeted and kept looking at the door, like he wanted to bolt. Like he couldn't stand for even an hour's time be away from _her_.

My first reaction was anger and I fought not to holler at him. Maybe slap him across the face as hard as I could or throw my hot coffee at him. But after just a few minutes, I could see… This wasn't _my Jacob_. This was her Jacob. Lana's Jacob.

I was very proud of myself. I only excused myself from the table once to use the restroom and vomit.

Years ago Jacob had told me he'd rather I'd been dead than to become one of the Cullen's. And that was exactly how I felt sitting across from this stranger.

My Jacob was dead.

I heard as soon as our divorce was finalized, six months after the filing date, that he and Lana got married. I stayed as far away from La Push as possible and Charlie knew better than to ever mention certain names.

Much to my chagrin, life went on. I attended Angela's wedding. In fact, I was _part _of Angela's wedding. That wasn't easy, but I grit my teeth and forced myself through it. For her. She'd always been a good friend to me. I never did like weddings.

But the most foolish thing I've possibly ever done in my whole life? I ran into an old friend at Angela's wedding. And out of anger, or spite or maybe some form of revenge: I went out with Mike Newton.

Not my finest moment.

We dated for about two months, until both of couldn't stand it anymore. Frankly, I'm shocked he put up with me for that long. Any long-time yearnings for the girl he knew in high school, I squashed, but good. Apparently it's not fun when the girl you're making love to cries the whole time.

So, I threw myself into work. Trying hard to keep my mind as numb as possible, so I couldn't think too hard. Otherwise, it crept its way back to the past, and when that happened? Those were the days that were the hardest to drag myself out of bed.

Which was where I was at the end of one particularly rough, emotional day. I'd eaten a light supper and gotten into bed and turned the television on to dull my brain. I must have drifted off, because I felt a draft when I opened my eyes a few hours later. My room was dark, meaning the timer on my television had gone off, and now the tv was not on.

I shivered and looked around the room for the source of cold air surrounding me, but I saw nothing out of place. When I lay back down, I noticed something white standing out starkly against the rich plum color of my pillowcase. I picked it up and it unfolded itself; an old-fashioned white lace handkerchief. As it unfurled in my hand, a piece of lilac paper dropped from its folds.

I looked around my room again before opening the meticulously folded piece of paper.

_I told you I would check up on you, love._

_You're still as beautiful as ever._

My heart began hammering in my chest. I held the handkerchief to my nose and inhaled. My eyes rolled back in my head and dizziness swept through me as I breathed in his sweet, familiar scent. God, it really was intoxicating.

I looked wildly around my room yet again. And this time as my gaze swept past the window, I saw him.

It was as if he had been frozen in time. Beautiful and flawless: pale, golden-eyed perfection.

My body performed as if on instinct. I was ready now.

I got up and went to the window.

And let him in.

~~RaD~~

_A/N: As you can imagine, when this was the original ending, the readers were not happy. Chapter 8 had been my originally intended ending, but when I wrote it out… Jacob just imprinted on me! I angsted over what to do about it for weeks. Should I change the ending for the sake of making everyone happy? Or do I stay with the ending that became "real" to me? So I posted this as the ending and did an Alternate. Now going back, I much prefer the other one._

_So pick whichever one you like best – the HEA, or the dark twisted tragic ending, and retain that as your own personal ending to Reality and Dreams._


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